It’s Wednesday pt II Wednesday, Dec 31 2008

I didn’t forget S23…if you missed It’s Wednesday 

I did as my mother instructed…I made my way home.  I opened the door and passed R sitting on the sofa…still in the dark.  I passed the shower and headed for my bedroom.  I never said a word.  I kept thinking “how can I possibly go to work tomorrow”.  I couldn’t even be sure if I’d make it through the night.  It was close to midnight, there was no way to reach Dr. Wright to get her to grant me an immediate maternity leave.  It was Tuesday night, and my last day of work was scheduled for Friday.  I took my clothes off, held my stomach and tried to pray…the words kept choking me so I let my tears express what I could not. 

That night felt like torture, my brain tormented me with visuals of what R was doing with someone else.  All night I tossed and turned trying to shake it out of my head.  I was still shocked that those words came out of my mouth.  Call it what you want, but I always felt like I was wayyy too fly for him to ever cheat on me.  He did.

When morning came R crept into the room and sat by my side.  For awhile he didn’t say anything…he just looked at me.  He reached for my hand and said how sorry he was.  A few minutes passed and then my mom called.  R answered the phone and I could hear her seething…she was talking to him real firm and each syllabul was deliberate.  His response was respectful, and then he passed me the phone.  I told her that I would have to go to work.

I played 20 questions to the 10th power with R.  I needed every detail.  He said it only happened once.  He tried using a lack of secks as a (weak) defense.  After putting the puzzle pieces together I realized that the evening he left to go “help a friend move” was the evening he went to be with her.  I remember begging him not to go so that he and I could get close. He went on and on about how he promised, he quickly kissed me and left.  I also remember him getting home around 10:30 and climbing into bed.

Despite that, I took his remorse as a sign that we could move forward and restore our marriage…and I loved him.

Three weeks later I had the brain hemorrhage.  My mother to this day blames him for it.  Stress is a mutha.

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I want a MAN… Tuesday, Dec 30 2008

..and a father for my girls, because they’re great!  I’ve said it.  Should I feel badly about that?? *sigh*  I’m great too!  I think I’m going to pull back from da Principal.  I grew up without a father and it was an awful feeling.  I got married when I was 20, did that have anything to do with it? Probably! I didn’t go away to school because R was insecure and begged me not to go…I’m sure my response to him had something to do with that as well.  I relied on him relying on me.  He loved me…of course I should stay…why should I go???

I got da Principal something for Christmas.  I gave it to him last week before he left for Europe.  He was surprised, thanked me and said I didn’t have to do that…I know I didn’t have to, but I wanted to.  I didn’t spend alot, but it was nice.  I wanted to show him I cared.  He got back home sometime between Sunday night and Monday morning.  He called me yesterday and asked me to come spend some time.  He said he missed me and he got sick while he was away.  He asked me to pick him up something specific to eat…something hearty since he’d been eating soup for days and he wanted to something with substance.  I did that.  He ate…we had a great time on the couch..as usual.  We watched CNN, talked about the news, his trip..and about R just being himself.  We grinned at each other.  Da Principal isn’t a very affectionate person…he knows this.  He played in my hair, threw his leg over mine and twirled my ear lobes…I guess thats his way.  When I left I felt good about our short time together.  However I couldn’t ignore the fact that he didn’t have anything for me.  Now I didn’t give because I expected to receive, but dang.  I don’t think he’s a generous man, and I’m starting to wonder if he’s even considerate.  Would a small token be too much? It would have meant the world to me.  Maybe I’m so pissed off cuz I bought enough food at his request to feed him lunch AND dinner!

Why haven’t I met a generous guy? Actually I did once, it didn’t work out, he was generous and very chivalrous.  The majority of the men, and I’m counting the “good men” are not generous.  They’re good guys, but not generous.  I’m not expecting to be decked out, but to know they’re thinking of me would be wonderful.

I recall when I was still married, I took the girls to a get their annual exam.  I got a copy of the report when it was done.  There a section titled ‘Social’, and it read in-tact two parent household.  That made my heart glow.  I felt like I was doing it….we were doing it.  Our girls would have a different life.  We were breaking the curse of a single parent household.  And, then we separated, and whenever I would think of that report I would ache all over again.  Then I either heard a report or read an article that said most divorcees remarry within 3 years.  That gave me new hope.

I wanna be in Oprah’s audience when she’s giving away food…I want to sample.  Why is Gayle’s daughter’s name Kirby??  I know my daughter’s name is Bird, but you DO know that’s not her REAL name right?

Tonight I bruised my palm trying to open a jar of marinara sauce.  It would not budge, I tapped the sides, hit the bottom, and strained.  I looked, and my palm was blueish purple.  At one point I just wanted to cry and give up..it hurt like hell!  I thought to myself if you don’t do it, it won’t get done.  No one is coming to do it for you.  I got it done, and now my hand has a purple bruise.  That’s how my heart feels…bruised.

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Caption this Monday, Dec 29 2008

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Merry Christmas! Wednesday, Dec 24 2008

It was excruciating waking up this morning! I just wanted to curl up and dig in a bit more…protect myself with my down comforter *sigh*  It’s rainy outside and slippery.  The temp is 34…which is a hike from yesterdays 19.

Alas, I’m here…I made it, and I’m cutting out at 2pm.  Remember when I said I’m only getting the girls a coupla gifts? Yeah well :-/ they will be pleasantly surprised.  I definitely didn’t do Xmas like I usually do tho.

Here is the card I chose….from my Family to yours…MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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The pix! Tuesday, Dec 23 2008

It all started with last weekend in MD.  My favorite Uncle in the world!

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R just reneged Monday, Dec 22 2008

..ready for this? Via text.  He sent me a text saying this “we need to talk, iam trying to work with u and u have been difficult for what i dont know u lied and said that the money ur getting for the girls doesnt goe to ur bills. U ask me to get boots for jailyn with what money! I asked u for the (amt I return to him) at t the beginning of the month u said it didn’t fit in ur budget again trying to work with u.  This is what we r going to do we will go back to what it was since it does not fit in ur buget”

My side: He’s asked me for years to cut back on the support.  I never could or would. He rarely if ever saw the girls.  When we first talked about this arrangement and I proposed to kick back half he wanted it every two weeks.  The same way I receive it.  Later he asked if he could get the full amt at the beginning of the month.  I told him I would need time to rearrange my payment schedules.  I figured I would be able to do it by the first of the month.  I would use holiday bonuses to offset the change. 

It just kills me.  Really it does.  I guess the silver lining is that they wanted things to go back to normal as well.  He’s such a selfish thing…its his loss and he’s going to hell with gasoline draws on.  Amazing that it didn’t take long and he’s never been able to keep his word…or his vows.

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Blasted!! Monday, Dec 22 2008

I was alllll set to share my flix from this weekend and last weekend but my flippin’ photo share spot is acting a fool!!! argh!!

Sooo we’ll have to wait it out until tomorrow, I’ll have to email individual pics to my work email and save them locally  *sucks teef*.  Anyway, I will say that I had such a great time, of course things it didn’t go off without a hitch but it was alll good.  The menu was sweet.  The main course was

Mac ‘n Cheese
Coconut rice n peas
String beans w/carrots and potatoes
Rotisserie chicken
Jambalaya rice w/turkey sausage
Baked salmon w/onions and peppers – yum

In regards to my houseguest, I’ve been a foster mother for almost 3 years now.  Since I’m a single parent and I have young children already I’ve chosen to take in the group that is most often ignored…the teens.  I posted about one particular girl I had in the summer time.  So the teen that I have now is 17 and she has a 4 week old son.

When T was 2 years old I wanted to adopt or foster, but R was having none of it.  Now that I’m grown single, I can do what I want.  Fostering has had its share of ups and downs.  The teens really want a mother figure, and a father figure I’m sure, but they’ve run the streets or whatever for so long that once they get what a mother figure is they resent the discipline…cuz u kno…they grown *eyes stretched*

This time last year I had a 15 yr old.  She had so much potential.  I invested alot in her but she really lost her mind, so she had to leave my house.  I’m not jaded, but unfortunately I’ve learned to hold back a little, and not invest soo much soo soon.

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Queen Bee Friday, Dec 19 2008

I got a call and I accepted. I now have a 17 yr and her 4 week old son living with me. They say she has a typical teenager attitude. I guess I should expect that. I want to help, I’ll see if I can. We’ll be in the honeymoon stage for a minute. It just has to be understood there’s only one Queen Bee.

Happy Friday Ya’ll!

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Weekend wrap-up Thursday, Dec 18 2008

I drove to MD early Saturday morning.  My cousin’s baby shower was Sunday afternoon.  It was a quaint gathering…nice.  Then I made the trek to CreoleinDC’s xmas party and it was wonderful.  We had a great time and laughed.  Prince Ziggy is the best baby.  The girls were in hog heaven.  They were chattin’ it up and dancin’ with the ladies.  When baby Bird passed out Glady was held captive under her lil peanut head.   I was not far behind.  I had a bad allergic reaction to Jaru and Lucy.  At one point Monnie was like “what happened to your eyes?”  Yeah I was just shy of pluckin them out…a great addition to the gumbo dontcha think?  I took a nice cocktail that included benadryl and then I was down for the count.  As my chest was tightening and I’m gasping for air I tried to convince myself to get up and run the shower to give myself a steam treatment, I was wheezing so bad.  I just didn’t have the energy…and prayed I wouldn’t die..next thing I knew it was morning, so it worked out. 

It was great meeting the bloggers and friends.  TravelDiva was close to shanking me for my boots…and I forgot my mace at home…silly me ;-)   It makes me realize I can’t wait to see you all who I haven’t met in person….we are going to meet in person one day…RIGHT???  Come to NY! we can take the express bus all around the city..LOL

I was talking to TBS (who I LOVE) about my bestest friend who lives in ATL.  My girl has lived there for at least 11 years, but she has no friends! She’s a great person so I don’t know the deal.  It made me think about myself.  I mingle easily with most people and I can’t imagine living in a city where I couldn’t pick up the phone hook up with somebody cool.

Sad its Thursday and I’m just now doing this wrap up.

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Poll – which pic is better? Tuesday, Dec 16 2008

I’m choosing the pic for my holiday card…I need to step it up cuz time is running out. They were taken with my iphone..I think it did a pretty decent job…impromptu flix at my cousin’s church in MD. So what say you?

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