Seattle Thursday, Jun 11 2009

The weather in NY has been so dreary, chilly and rainy.  I half way want to throw a fit!  I’ve never been to Seattle, but I imagine this is how that weather is.  I can’t imagine how Seatle folk deal….I can’t.  So yesterday was a piss pot day for me.  I had to work really hard to encourage myself.  There are times when my singleness seems to overwhelm me.  There are triggers.

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Thou shall not covet Sunday, May 3 2009

So I’m sitting here browsin’ the net at clocks in the morning.  When I come across a link to a male blogger.  In the 2-3 seconds it took for the page to load I day dream about marrying a blogger OR meeting a fabulous guy through my blog (lilies, grass field…all that..all that), and up came this man’s picture.  HAWT DAWG!!!! HE’S FIONNNNNE..and married.  As quickly as that all happened I got myself in check quick. *Kells…he is married…she has to smell his farts…she probably picks up all his skidmark drawls AND he probably drools and soaks the pillow…eww…who wants that?* Yes..that’s how I talk to myself sometimes…ROFL!

Ok, but in all seriousness…coveting…”Obse.ss.ed” is an issue…or it can be an issue.  I never want to fantasize or think too long about something/someone that is not mine.  He’s good with her…doesn’t mean he’s going to be good with you.  Ya’ll can define good…it can be anything.  How he treats her, secks…whatever.

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Me, Myself and I Tuesday, Mar 17 2009

Ok so umm….its been many months now (sigh) since erra..yeah…and I’ve been gooooood.  It must have been Saturday night when I was up late, that I saw a commercial for this…subconsciously its got my wheeeeeeels spinnin’

 

Last night I had a dream about Mr. K and I know its because I saw this blasted commercial..arghhhh.  I have a theory about these enhancers which is why I shed my inventory and I don’t plan on restocking.  What do ya’ll think about such thangs?? What do men think? Does it feel like competition?

Ok maybe not so family friendly TM..lol

Leading a celibate lifestyle is NOT easy, doable, but not easy.  DAM THIS COMMERCIALLLLLL!!!!

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Revelations Friday, Jan 30 2009

I’ve been experiencing a few revelations over the past couple of weeks.  I’ll share a few.  Last week I received a phone call from my Godfather.  We lost touch and I’ve not spoken to him in 9 years.  He knew someone who knew someone who knew someone and he was able to get a message to my mom who called him.  We were on the phone for an hour catching up.  So I asked him if he was re-married or dating..he replied no and said that he should be.  He asked me the same and I shared a bit with him about da Principal.  In our conversation he said that I should be asking da Principal some more questions.  His words weighed on me, and I felt like I don’t really want to ask questions.  I’m going to let go.

Then I had the experience last week regarding my instructor and the blessing that I received by way of textbooks.  I reflected on all the circumstances that I’ve been through and I just became overwhelmed at how God has his hand on me.  Who am I that he should be so mindful of me?  To think that he’s concerned with Kelly and the things that Kelly is concerned with brought me to tears again.  I want to live my life in a way that honors that.

Most who know me know that I’m divorced and would like to re-marry.  Last week while in the shower, the Holy Spirit asked me if I had to choose between a great academic journey and a great relationship what would I choose.  Without hesistation my response was a great academic journey.  I’ve deferred my aspirations before in the name of “love”.  I won’t make that sacrifice again.

I picked up a book from Barnes n Noble called Choosing God’s Best, Wisdom for Lifelong Romance.  I got thru 2 chapters and my outlook on dating is completely different.  I’ve always liked the idea of courting moreso than dating, but I don’t think I fully understood courtship.  This book goes on to explain how painful dating can be because with every dating relationship there’s a break up that begats heart break for one or both parties minus 1 (if you marry the individual).  I’m signing up this new thang.  I’ll consider it an experiment of sorts.  I have nothing to lose. 

I’m going to become more involved at my church.  This book also promotes that.  I’ve wanted to be involved for a couple of years now, instead of just warming the pew.  Since its a big church and I really didn’t know whose who and vice versa I really didn’t know how.  Ironically enough one of the members asked my mom if I would be interested in one of two positions.  I texted back YES for both.  It’s not easy to explain but I have a sense that “things” are coming together–for my betterment and growth.

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Confession Wednesday, Oct 15 2008

I have a new found appreciation for my school and my classmates.  Since starting in June, I’ve felt that I was somehow better than my classmates or at the least WAY more refined.  I labeled many as ghetto in my head.  Yes we are all at the starting line, but it seemed to me that I was the only one fond of using vowels.  The guys come in their saggy jeans and over-sized tees, and the women in yeast infection jeans and belly shirts.  Everybody’s talking about their book vouchers, while every textbook I have came from my paycheck. 

Yesterday I stood outside one of the staff adminstrator’s office.  She was meeting with a young man who apparently wanted to change his area of concentration.  She gave him some really sound advice, and then he said “Ok, can you tell me the classes I’ve tooken” *HORROR*  Standing outside of her office I heard her correct him.  She did it with such love, told him that he needed to get himself together, and explained to him the importance of professionalism. 

I returned to my class resigned that she was gonna be awhile with “that one”.  Then my instructor brought in one of her former students to speak to the class.  One of the benefits of this particular class I’m taking is that it makes you examine your strengths and weaknesses, it examines how our every day lives contributes to our education, and we have exercises intended to open us up to feelings and experiences that may have been repressed. 

She shared her story and it was truly inspirational.  She said her method was to just show up.  If she showed up everyday than she would be sure to learn something.  She expressed how difficult it is to press thru when you’re a mother, wife, f/t employee, and you don’t even believe that you’re “college material”.  Four years later…after just showing up, she’s graduating in May and pursuing her masters. 

I reflected, and had to be honest with myself.  There’s nothing that makes me so special or better than.  Everyone has had different experiences and backgrounds.  We are all at the same starting point, and some have less time to complete than I do because of transferring credits.  I was getting ahead of myself and I’m glad that I didn’t have to be knocked off of my high horse.

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Confessions Wednesday, Aug 20 2008

I’ve been avoiding writing…yup.  I have a confession.  I reconciled with my ex Mr. K.  Lemme splain….if you knew me, you might know that I am emotionally driven.  If you REALLY knew me you’d also know that I have issues…yup…issues.  I’M.A.GIRL!  Well the long and short of it is, that I heard from Mr. K on Sunday.  He came by after I sent him a text asking him to meet me somewhere so that I could bring him his things and get my things.  We argued about the events that led up to the incident and the incident itself.  After we each had our say I got real Celie with him ….I squinted my eyes and looked him square and said “God is gonna deal with you the same way he’s dealing with *insert ex-husband*  His face changed…….he couldn’t believe I would say that to him.  After the drama, I talked to a good friend of mine and she told me I was FOUL for saying that.  Mr. K has been coming to church with me for months.  I realized that that was awful for me to say.  Who am I to use God as a weapon against anyone.  After he left, I decided to pay him a visit and apologize.  We talked and reconciled. 

Afterwards I felt much better.  Right now I feel like he’s still not the ultimate one for me, but I played a significant role how things really soured.  I wasn’t comfortable ending it that way.  So we shall see how things play out.  I’m a bit of a punk…I admit.  Quite dependent once I get comfortable, and a bit unrealistic.  I have some issues to work on, and I will.

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