My divided attention

I was at R’s family bbq on Sunday.  It was really nice to catch up with a few people.  His cousin pulled me over for a celebratory scream re: school.  We screamed and embraced….it was nice.  In my next breathe I was chastising my friend for bringing me a piece of watermelon when I clearly said I wanted chocolate cake.  Anywhoo, she let me have a few minutes before she brought it to my attention.  She said “Kelly, you get very easily distracted”  I thought “huh?”  It was so random to me, but she’s right, and then she said “You’re gonna have to get that under control for school”  SHE’S RIGHT!  Then a couple of other people chimed in to note their own experience with me getting distracted and with HER getting distracted with them as well.  Distracted people recognize distracted people.  I am going to have to get a handle on it for school.  It doesn’t take much for me to get distracted. *sucks teeth* When I was researching for papers, my snacks distracted me.  Seriously.  In typing this post, I’ve been distracted a handful of times.  I get distracted in prayer.  I zone out during conversations.  I have “uh huh” and “mmmm” down to a rhythmic science.

This was something that I committed to working on some months ago.  I need to get back to that place again.  Being present.

 

 

That’s why….

Parking sucks where I live.  Every Friday night is a pain.  I spend too much time waiting for a spot, tonight it was 30 mins sitting and circling looking for a parking space…frustrating.  I’m left acting like an overly anxious dog whenever someone exits the building that LOOKS like they may be going to a car.  This guy comes out and gets in his car.  I make a u-turn, pull up in front of his car, talk through the window (as if he can hear me…that’s what we do),  I nod and reverse to patiently wait for him to make my new parking spot available.  dooody dooody dooody doo – 5 mins later  What is taking dude so lonnnnng? It’s 10pm, I’m tired, I just killed a spider on my window…why is my car attracting spiders?? I wanna shower and sleep.

I get out the car, and as soon as I do, he gets out whistling…ok…maybe he wasn’t whistling, but that’s how rude and non-chalant he was.  So I say oh…I thought you were moving.  He rolls his eyes and says “AND…” real real stank!  I laughed….hard…thinking, did he just “and….” me?  He sure did.  So here I go “THAT’S WHY YOUR RIDE IS ALL JACKED UP NOW”  He stopped whistling…or least in my mind he did..lol

Let me set another scene…have you ever noticed a nice lil car and then shortly after you see that nice lil car has fallen subject to unfortunate circumstances.  Insert his car; a few months ago Bird said she liked the car, and recently I noticed the grill all banged up…driver’s door, dented.   A shame is what I thought at the time.  So that’s where my witty material came from.

“That’s why…..!” I took it back to high school…how mature am I huh? Is that a east coast phrase?  Said “that’s why” is always followed by something random, and totally unrelated to the issue, and is meant to antagonize the other individual when the attacker has no other material.

ex. scene: A shoulder bump occurs between two individuals when entering/exiting a store

Trash Talker #1: Yo…you ain’t ‘gon say excuse me

Trash Talker #2: no…..and!

Trash Talker #1: That’s why you got mushed  by xyz last year!

I did say high school.  Mind you…I just left choir rehearsal.  *eyes stretched @ me*  I’m going to repent.

My left foot…better than chocolate.

I tried a new spa on Friday.  I use to have the dopest masseuse ever, but he’s not at my spa anymore.  I’ll never let another get away.  I’m taking down numbers, your address, your website, baby mama or baby daddy numbers.  No more up and disappearing without me knowing.  Since then, when I can I try a new spa and pray that he/she is as good as Sass. Fail.Fail.Fail.  Friday was no different…kinda.  Part of really enjoying the spa experience is the ambiance.  This place lacked that.  They didn’t have a nice separate room where I could change.  I didn’t like that.  The massage room was decorated fairly nice but there were scuff marks all along the walls.  Not tranquil.

It’s been my experience that each masseuse has his or her own bag of tricks.  The kind that make me  go “nice…where’d you learn that?” in my head.  Even if all around they aren’t the best.  She was by far not the best I’ve ever had.  All of her moves were really boring, except when she got to my feet.  She did my left foot, rubbing up and down, up and down. Out of nowhere it caused such an arou….I think I had an orga…it was sooo intense.  Whatindawhurl was that???!!!  Never in my life….never in my life!  Who knew that pressure points were that serious.  Look…if I could get that kinda foot rub weekly, abstinence would be a breeze.

Magnets

I was talking to a couple of friends today.  One is cop and she was sharing some of her crazy on/off the job stories.  She was on the bus, and this guy was dry h/umping this lady who kept yelping and trying to get away.  She goes over to help (she must have been off the job) when this other guy reaches the lady first and throws the guy in a headlock.  They held the guy…waited for the cops to come, and consoled the lady.  The back of her shirt was wet.  ewwww.  I have no way of knowing this lady’s make up.  I do know that there are certain things that seem to happen to certain people.  Sometimes these kinda things happen repeatedly…it’s like they’re magnets.  This would have NEVER happened to me.  I feel pretty confident saying that there’s no way that a man is gonna chase me so that he can dry h/ump me.

We discuss the story more, she says she’d have to break up with him if he splashes from dry h/umping.  She’s a fool.

I watched the big O and saw her interview with TP.  If you saw it you’d know that he shared details about being molested by 3 people and physically brutalized by his father.  It made me think…3 different people??  How does that happen…to ONE person? Same thing with the big O…molested by at least 2 people.  The stories are awful but what makes a child a target for the same.thing. by more than one person?

One of my things are being hit.  Sitting in my car..not moving/or moving and being hit.  I’ve had two people hit me and run. One in front of a bunch of cops.  I’m screaming them telling them to radio the other cop…she was headed in his direction, but apparently I was speaking greek.  Some people NEVER have a car accident..not me.

I’ve also been called the ‘n’ word.  Three different times.  The first time was when I visited an aunt in upstate new york.  She lived in a complex with a community pool.  I’m about 9 years old…splashing around, and having a good time.  When a lil white boy says it.  I remember me chasing him around the pool over and over.  I wanted to kill him.  It was totally unprovoked.  Has that ever happened to you?  Maybe…maybe not..but it happens to me.  Another time it happened while I was at work.  Some dude called looking for someone I’d never heard of.  I tell him, and then let him know that I’d help him..somewhere the convo went way wrong.  It was like this dude turned into Satan.  One minute I’m asking him if he knew what department this person worked in, the next he’s calling me a n-b$%ch and hangs up the phone.  I’m a hot head, but I do my best to cool it at work.  I DID.  But of course I was very upset like anyone else would be simply because there was nothing that I could do about it.    I’m one of those who doesn’t get upset when I hear my kind using it.  I don’t like hearing it yelled all obnoxiously in public…BUT among my own kind it doesn’t bother me.  In this instance it would have served me best..for me…if I didn’t let it hold so much power.

If I called my mother tonight and said “GUESS WHAT?” She’d say “what…somebody called you a ‘N’?”

Drip figgin drop!

I am NOT sure! I’m outside and the sweat is drippin’ off my elbows! I must have gaping craters in my underpits. Damn Damn DAMN *in my Florida Evan’s voice*. This would be no big deal if it was just today since it’s 90 outside, but it happens daily.

A few week ago I went to the bank to meet with a financial advisor. The back story is a couple of months ago I gave him my best amateur playa game. I have a crush
on him. As I sat across from him not saying much…just smiling and nodding, my pits welled up…the dam broke …GUSSSSSH.

I was saved by the flowing top and the bell sleeves, otherwise *in my best AR Gal* ||||///////____________________

Soul confession

Stay with me…since the beginning I’ve shared alot with you all…I think.  Especially regarding my career…school aspirations etc..  Lately I’ve been having a feeling that I’m going in the wrong direction.  When I think about it all it seems completely ridiculous.  I’ve wanted to be a lawyer since I was a kid.  Whenever I’ve considered other options or when I put off college for allll those years I’ve always come back to this…as my passion.  I’m taking a public administration class. Ninety percent of the class is bored to tears.  I actually like it, and I’ve wondered if this should be my practice area.  My point is I don’t know why I’m having this feeling, and I don’t know what to do about it.  If tomorrow I decided to abort then what???? 

I don’t know if this is natural.  I wonder if other people have had these feelings of doubt.  I don’t know if other people who seek the Lord’s direction have ever had these doubts.  I think about Abraham, and how he and Sarah prayed for a kazillion years for a child.  Sarah had pretty much given up on ever giving birth…so much so that she gave her handmaiden Hagar permission to hook-up with Abraham.  Anyway, I’m sure you know how that turned out.  I say this to say I don’t understand how my path could have been made so clear..I don’t understand how I had sooooo much peace, and felt God’s blessing when I quit in March.  Abraham too could not fathom how God finally blessed him with Isaac, only to ask him to sacrifice him.  There was a ram in a thicket.  It was only a test.  God knows alll, so he knew that Abraham would pass…Abraham didn’t know the end of the story so it was really for Abraham.  I feel like I’m rambling.

It really scares me…this feeling.

Good nite

Ketchup

My show just went to commercial..the news intro said “baby got back..why large derrieres are making a comeback.”  Really? slow night.

My mom is dating and I almost can’t take it.  She’s a cougar.

T is in camp.  It’s run by NYPD, and it’s modeled like a boot camp.  It brings me sheer joy.

Bird is doing her thing.  She ripped huge patch of skin off while running to get out of the pool.  She’s such a tomboy/girl. I can’t take it.  Reading a book has become a plague to her.  T is enjoying my summertime reading mandate.

I received my LSAT results.  I was nearly suicidal..I kid…I had a nervous breakdown…fuh real. *sigh*  The thought of going through the whole “study..practice and everything else” thing was almost too much for me to bear, ALTHOUGH I knew this was a possibility AND I had a plan B…we talked about this.   I talked to a couple of people whose opinion I trust on this and it seems I didn’t do as poorly as I imagined.  I will retake the test…I don’t feel as overwhelmed knowing this.  I’m not sure if I’ll do October or December yet.  Did I tell ya’ll about my dream?  Nevermind…moving on.

I was one of those who was irked by LBJ’s decision.  R broke some things down to me.  I think of it differently now and can’t wait until the season starts.

For an unemployed chick I’ve been doing some DAMAGE!  I went to a sample sale last week…I spent $57  and came off LOVELY.  I’ll share pics as I go along.

Speaking of unemployed I posted my resume online a couple of weeks.  Each time I received a call or an email my nose is in the ear.  I’m really not interested.  What ism I gon’ do?  I’m looking for temp work.  One woman piqued my interest with a special project coordinator position…uh huh…fancy way to say secretary.  Not interested.  I realize that I will need to go back to work.  Ya know I’ve had dreams of working for the IBF…read that backwards.  They have a age cutoff ya know.  I’d need to apply soon for consideration in the hopes that they would hire me by 9/11.  Could I be too old for the IBF? *sigh*

When the fall semester starts I’ll be taking 12 credits…that huge.  I haven’t taken 12 credits since my first fall semester.  Once that’s done I’ll only need 8 credits for the spring and then I’m DONE. *kicks heels in the air*

I had a teen foster daughter a couple of years ago.  She had to go.  I love and I’ve thought about her many times since she left.  A few nights  ago I had a dream about her.  She’s on mine..space, she may have had a baby (not surprising).  I wonder if I should reach out..and invite her back into our lives again.  I’m asking ya’ll.  It would help to know why she had to go.  The last straw was when she cursed me out.  That may fly for some…I know this to be true…everyone has a different dealbreaker.    That’s mine …especially since it’s illegal for me to snap your neck.  It’s complicated..this isn’t a fair question.

My palace is still being painted…seems like it’s only taking forever.  I’ve decided to rip up 90% of the carpet.  It’s gross.  I have pretty good hardwood floors underneath.  I alwaysss have a project.  Can’t wait until it’s all done.

NY has been on heat wave alert for at least a week.  My bougie tail has central air, so I don’t have a bit of complaint.  I take heat over cold any day.

I’ll be back more regularly.   HEY YA’LLLLLLLLL

Maybe I can be an investigator.

checking in

Hey my blog homies {{hugs}} I needed that.

So this is the last week of classes, and I finished my last lsat lesson last week. I feel like a load has been lifted. Normally Iwould have registered for my summer classes by now. This semester wore me out. It pains me to even think about what my next courses should be. Thank God its over. I’ve decided not to take the June LSAT. I’m not ready. Studying for this test requires way more than I realized…even with not having a full-time job. Ive not had the time to go over questions repeatedly…which is key in doing well. I’ve not been scoring anywhere near what I’d like to score. Originally I figured I’d take it in June, and then again in October if I didn’t score as high. At this point I already know what the outcome is going to be. The new plan is to work it over the summer…probably take the course again and then test in October. If necessary I’ll re-take in December (thumbs down).

I’m praying that I won’t have to go back to work until January, if at all. I’ve a new interest that may give me the income I need. So right now my summer looks like this

• Re-take LSAT course and continue studying for October exam
• Explore new career opportunity
• Take one 2 credit class (8 weeks)

I think I can handle it.

In other news I’ve been having a difficult time emotionally. When I read about bret.t.mich.els. brain bleed a couple of weeks ago it sent me into an emotional tailspin. He had the same kind of brain hemorrhage that I had. The following week or so I had a dream that I knew I was going to die so I told a friend my wishes. Next I was preparing to tell the girls. In my sleep I was extremely emotional and it was just gut wrenching pain knowing that it would hurt them. I woke up very upset. I don’t know if you watch Pr…iv…atePra..cti..ce. If you saw the season finale you may have been distrubed as well. One of the characters Dell was in a car accident. Initially he seemed to just have a few scratches. Later in the episode they found out that he had a brain bleed, the plan was to operate and they seemed as optimistic as they could be. It was late in the night, but he requested that his daughter come to the hospital..she was maybe 5 years old. She laid with him on the bed talking to her (her mother died last season). He said that he knows when her mom passed away that sucked and that if anything should happen to him that would suck too, but she should know that those are the worst things that will ever happen to her. She has people that love her..etc…

They operated and they could not control the bleed. He flatlined and I screamed no. I sat in the living room alone wailing. I was a mess. Everything was just alll too close to home. Him telling his daughter…the brain bleed…all of it…I felt absolutely terrible. I’ve been feeling really bad on and off since then. I shared this with my girlfriend and she suggested that I start getting my paperwork in order and also have a talk with the girls. Last night I had a talk with T. When I started talking she wanted to know why I was telling her these things. I explained that it would just be good for her to know in case anything happened. I told her that if anything should happen she would live with her Dad during the week and visit Nana on the weekends so they could go to church. I explained to her when people die the bible says that they are asleep, and when you have committed your life to Christ death is not forever. He promises to raise those who are asleep in him when He returns. I told her how I felt when my grandfather died. I wanted her to know that yes it hurts, but that I would want her to move beyond the hurt so that when she thought of me she would smile instead of cry. I shared that I’d like to be cremated and we even laughed a bit…it was really good. Afterwards my heart felt much more at ease.

Later that evening I texted my mother to share our talk and she was not happy. She sarcastically asked if I sent her to bed crying. We exchanged a couple of more texts. I asked if she was unhappy about it, and she didn’t answer. We speak daily and I still haven’t heard from her. I’m glad that I did it. I’m not conceding to death, and I’m not trying to be morbid, but I have been really feeling badly lately. I need some sense of peace.

I’ve also felt like I’ve been unsupported medically. I’ve been in love with my neurologists since he came on board. For years I’ve felt like he saved my life. Over the past few months I’ve been having issues with the new seizure medicine that I was prescribed. It’s not working. I would call and days would go by with no return phone call. I’d never had this problem with him before. I’d been blaming his secretary who I believe is an idiot. It didn’t seem as though she was giving him my messages. He was contacted when I was hospitalized…I called again after I was discharged. He had his physician assistant call me to find out what I needed. He never called me back. That has felt like a big letdown. When I think of him I saw him as MY neurologist. For years I’ve looked at him like the man who saved my life when other doctors were baffled. Well it is what it is now. There’s a season for everything I suppose. On Friday I’ll be meeting with a neurologist. I’ll see if I’m comfortable with him and how much experience he has with patients with a similar history.

Good for the soul

I have a confession.  I have a crush on a guy in my social science class.  He’s super smart, fresh and so so clean….and he’s married.  I stay far away from him.  His personality is magnetic.   I was thinking this morning and I can’t ever recall having this kinda crush on a married man.  A week after I told Bible boy that we weren’t compatible (I don’t think I gave him a name before..he’s no longer relevant, but for the sake of this post let’s go with that)  he called me to have me RE-explain why I’m not interested.  He didn’t think I gave it a fair try.  It seems in an effort to convey how serious he is/was about me he told me that he’s liked me ever since I was married.

I’m aware enough to know that I have a crush on this guy and because I know I do I need to stay away.   To put it in a different perspective, if I had a lapse in judgment, I don’t think he would be moved because I see dude as a really good guy…as such he wouldn’t allow it either…at least I’d like to think.  

Which brings me to exactly how do people say “It just happened”?  Have you ever flirted with this kind of temptation? Tell the truth and shame the devil! If so, how did you end up on that slippery slope.  Was it in your younger…dumber years.  I’m really interested..you can comment anonymously.

As for me…I say hey from a distance and keep it moving.  He’s that bright eyed…nice smile…Morris.Chest.nut chocolait!

Seattle

The weather in NY has been so dreary, chilly and rainy.  I half way want to throw a fit!  I’ve never been to Seattle, but I imagine this is how that weather is.  I can’t imagine how Seatle folk deal….I can’t.  So yesterday was a piss pot day for me.  I had to work really hard to encourage myself.  There are times when my singleness seems to overwhelm me.  There are triggers.