On the move….

Things are coming together.  I made a trip to Deer Country with intentions to sign a lease.  T and I got on the road.  The first place we saw had “The Shack”(the book) appeal.  Very old, dirt road.  No bueno.  The view was interesting, across the street was a river where people kayak or float using inner tubes.  Not a feature on my must have’s list.  The second place had funny ceilings, and a stove about the size of a water cooler.  By the time I got to the 5th place, T and I were overjoyed at the sight of nice hardwood floors.  Indoor/Outdoor carpet seems to be what’s up.  I kinda hate it.  I felt good in this place…like it could be home.  It was definitely more $$$ than I wanted to spend.  For example, for a one bedroom it cost more than a 3 bedroom that we saw, but sometimes it be’s like dat.  A major bonus was that I have a 6×10 storage unit, an onsite laundry room, and a cute picnic style backyard.  Oh and how could I forget, my heat is included…that’s big.  It’s walking distance from my school, but most of the properties I checked out were as well.  I feel relieved that this is checked off of my to-do list.

T had the stank face at first step inside the first property until we got to this one.  Then her face glowed! She started getting all chatty with the landlord.  She likes the idea of us moving into the 2bdrm duplex when it times for them to join me.  Oh yeah…that.  The girls are going to stay with R for the school year.  They will both graduate from their schools this coming school year.  It didn’t feel right to pull them from their graduating class to come to Deer Country.  Plus, I hear that the first year is a killa.  It’ll definitely be a good thing to be able to focus 100% on me and acclimating to a new learning style/environment.  I’ve prayed about it, and it feels like the right thing to do.  I have to come to terms with releasing the reins on some most things, and letting R do what he feels is best as a temporary custodial parent.  This is going to be very very different for me.

Back to the 2 bdrm, next August a 2 bdrm will be available, and T was trying negotiate us taking it over.  It’s a nice duplex unit.  It has a slider door to the backyard.  It’s VERY expensive.  She has it priced where two students would split it.  It would be ideal if I didn’t have to make a major move, but again it’s expensive, so I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Now I’m researching moving companies.  It’s SOOOOOO expensive!  God has been so good.  In the over a year that I’ve been out of work with NO unemployment benefits, I haven’t needed to borrow a dime from anyone.  That’s a blessing.  That may very well be changing.  Can I borrow a dollar????

 

 

Expectations

When I started college…again in ’08, I placed high expectations on myself. I decided I would graduate with
honors. When I saw how I excelled, I up’d the ante. I would graduate magna cum laude, and maybe even summa.
Expectations. The past 3 weeks have been hectic.  I saw my GPA plummet Spring ’10.

I’ve tried to compensate this semester. So what do you do when you’ve set expectations, and things don’t go so well? When your plan A is: Aim for the moon. Your plan B is: land among the stars; with no plan C. I have let my own expectations bring me to tears. I gave this semester my personal best. I’ve had to re-wire my expectations. My personal best. My personal best. Funny how we put ourselves into these boxes. Today I’m good with my personal best.  No doubt it’ll take me where I’m supposed to be.

Tuesday night was my first senior meeting. I’ve been so wrapped up in the law school process, I didn’t give any attention
to the particulars of graduation. Cap and gown, class ring, senior pictures. I got choked up. Kelly get a grip!

This is a great feeling.

What is your opinion on reaching certain milestones v. your personal best..your experience?  Do you get upset with yourself if you don’t reach your personal expectation?

My score is in!!!!

I received my score via email shortly after 9pm last night.  I was standing in line at Tar-zhay.  I was online with a clearance belt that I put down daysss ago, but I couldn’t get outta my mind…lol  I smiled when I first saw my score, and then within seconds I didn’t feel as happy.  I felt disappointed.  It was lower than my average while I was testing myself at home.

I forced myself to shake it off.  I didn’t reach the benchmark that I set, but I did show improvement.  Like I said in my last post, I had a plan of how I thought things should unfold.  I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that when we make plans, God laughs.

I’m taking my score and applying to all of the schools where I’d like to have acceptance.  There’s a song called “Little becomes much when you place it in the master’s hand”

I realize that this process is bigger than just me wanting to go to school.  He is molding me.  I’m okay with that.

::HUGE SMILE::

Big girl panties

If ya’ll could not tell, I had a MAJOR.MELT.DOWN.

At one point while typing the post I felt like I released, and right when I hit publish, I sobbed again.  Then I stopped.  My email alerted me that I had comments….Naijamodel and Jurista.  HUGE MONSTER TEARS ALL.OVER.AGAIN!!!!  Have you ever been sad and someone said the perfect thing, and somehow it made you cry more. That was me, but I still felt overwhelmed.

It feels like I have worn my inner circle out.  I KNOW that’s not true, but it feels like it.  A couple of comments on the research paper were “this is BS” and “it looks like you’re taking short cuts, and it’s making your paper weak and sloppy”.  I know she was helping.  I know there was no malice (I think).  I didn’t realize that I was so fragile.  I’m such a hard worker that those words cut me.  Law school is coming, and so I’m going to have to grow a few layers of skin.  I know no one cares about my lil feelings.  I better get used to it.  I’m also going to have to learn to let some things roll…move on (thanks Naijamodel).

I’ve put my big girl panties on.  I’m wearing a smile again. Let’s go.

ETA: AR Gal was just like ” I got nuthin’, they said it all!!” lol  They sure did

Thanks again…my support system is THE BEST.

Rock

A week or so I was disturbed when I heard that Marvin Sapp’s wife passed away. After hear more news I found out it was due to cancer. Cancer hits too close to home for me, and when I hear about it I get angry. I actually look at it as though it’s a mass murderer. It is. Marvin Sapp is one of my most favorite gospel singers, aside from being entertained, his lyrics…he turns it out.

Since I heard the news I’ve kept his family in prayer because who doesn’t know how devastating death is? To lose a spouse, someone you pledged forever to, someone who you shared a bed with daily. That’s devastating.

When I came across this video I thought “dang, this is hard, he’s gonna be in a bad shape.” The words to this song are beautiful. The lyrics could lodge a mountain in anyone’s throat. This is his song…his lyrics…his wife’s funeral. This had to be unbearable.

After watching this! How about I was the mess…for me it was unbearable! Jesus makes the difference ya’ll. He promises to be a rock for you if you let him.

God Forbid

I was running errands on Friday when I got a call from my mom. I was in the area where she had just had a car accident. She said she was shaky but ok. It’s odd, but I was amazingly calm. Sometimes I find myself taking an authoritative role with my mom. When I arrived the cars where in the intersection in bad shape, but everyone was ok. That’s most important. Things can be replaced.

The crazy thing was when I got there, the tow truck companies were fighting over who was gonna tow my mom’s car. Literally wanting to come to blows. Actually there was this burly dude who didn’t even have his truck on the scene yet trying to intimidate the other guy whose truck was already there. Flexing at him, cursing him out…etc.

I give my mom a hug and try to figure out what happened and here he comes. “I was right here I saw everything that happened, your mom had the green…blah blah blah”

“Dude, I’m not even talking to you. I’m talking to her, BYE” Vultures

After a stand off, crazy dude got in his pick up truck. Something told me to tell her to come out of the street, no sooner than I thought it he made a u-turn headed in the direction of the crowd. My mom was standing about 2 feet or so off of the curb. I yell “MOMMY GET OUTTA THE STREET” She’s like a deer in the headlights “MOMMY GET OVA HERRRRRE” It’s really unbelievable. My mom is such a strong, no nonsense woman. I still admire my mom, and by default I have the same quality, so it’s a lil odd when I have to man up for her. Like I said, take on sort of an authoritative role.

Cops came and took her statement. When they walked away she looked at me and said “I shouldn’t have said that?” *smh* “uh no” Basically she said told the cop that he said he a green light. She ain’t gotta tell the cops how he thinks he’s in the right…sigh

Although she said she was fine, I wanted her to go to the hospital. She had a few airbag burns on her arm. I was concerned. I watched an episode of CSI:Miami where this man had a crash, he said he was fine, was taken into custody as a suspect, and died when his braid turned to mush as a result of the accident. He didn’t display any symptoms prior. She didn’t go.

Bird always wants to sit in the front seat, and pouts when I say no. I showed her a picture to illustrate what condition she may be in if she rode in the front seat with Nana.

kibbles n bits

My exam was last Monday and I feel really good about it.  Such a load has been lifted.  When I arrived, I was really happy to see that the room was filled with so many diverse people.  That made me smile.  I also observed a woman sitting on the floor diagramming and timing herself.  If you don’t have it by now….. 

The test flew by for me although I was there from 12:30-6:00. 

Bird and I went to visit my grandmother on Sunday.  She’s not doing well, and I almost wished that the end would….

We were in the elevator leaving when a spanish man who knew no english spoke to an english Bird who spoke no spanish…lol, and then he gave her allll of the change out of his pocket.  It was so funny to watch.

I love basketball, but I only watch during the playoffs and finals.  I don’t know the last time I’ve felt this competitive watching the finals.  I’m sure I have, but it hasn’t been in a looooong time. bleep bleep bleep bleep you Fakers…go Celtics!!

I have been having the weirdest dreams.  The other night I dreamt I received my lsat score in the mail.  I opened the letter, spotted the score and then hooted, then my dream looped again.  I opened the letter, spotted the score, it was less so I was a bit disappointed…then it looped again.  It did this several times until I was completely devastated.

I still want to go to NC for law school.  With my health issues my mother is totally against it.  I understand her concerns, but staying in NY isn’t so great for my health either.  I’m still working with my new doctor to get stabilized.  She’s been tweaking my medication, hopefully I’ll be like new way before law school comes…then both of our minds can be at ease.

I spoke with my cousin who said that there’s virtually no traffic there.  I confirmed it with my friend as well…that’s unheard of!

I feel like I’m busier now then when I worked.  My to-do list is endless, but I’m REALLY enjoying my time off.  I hope to do some really fun things with the girls this summer.  I just spoke with T’s dance teacher.  She is one of very few students who were hand selected to attend a dance program this summer.  She is so happy, and I’m thrilled for her.

When I got home last night Bird had this waiting for me.

I got my hair cut on Friday.  I went to a she she salon, for what they did I could have gone to a local and gotten the same quality hair cut.  It’s a good cut, but ya kno…it’s a standard cut.  I also wanted to go funky with highlights.  They did a strand test and my hair didn’t survive it *sigh*.

My hair was finished with a blow out.  I went to choir rehearsal that night and this woman stopped me and seemed sad that my hair was straight..she said that I was the reason she put braids in..she wants to transition.  That was so nice.  I would have never known.

Do you use Aloe Vera? I love it, and use it for almost everything.  It reminds me of EVOO in that way.  I’ve been using it as a gel for our hair.  It works so well, and it’s natural. 

I’m enrolled in summer classes.  I see the end in sight!

I’m going to take a few short temp assignments this summer.   I don’t want anything long term or perm yet. 

It is 11:59am and I haven’t had anything to eat yet.  I’mma go rectify that right now.

Talk to me!

Again

Hola folx…well I was admitted into the hospital (AGAIN) yesterday morning. I share this because I’m in really good spirits, and this is about my journey. Remember last time I told y’all I was a mess? My future must be great because Satan is mad and tryna take ya girl out.

Last Tuesday I saw the neuro and he referred me to a seizure specialist. I saw her last Tuesday. She was supposed to be admit me on the 8th (after my test) for another test, but obviously given the circumstances they’re doing it now. However, I am in here with my books studying- no joke.

I had alot of the symptoms I had last time but then I had a big seizure which I haven’t had since ’01. T was home and did an AWESOME job taking care of me. I know she was scared because I was incapacitated, but she kept calm and asked what she should do. She called R who lives nearby. She even started packing my hospital bag…without me telling her to. I think my talk helped her in this situation. Funny thing is I bought a nice watch (purple.. She od’s) for her last week. I decided I wouldn’t give it to her until she really earned it. I think she’s earned.

Anywhoo I’m doing better than yesterday, but I think I’ll be here for a couple of days.

Hanging on

I wanted to share this with ya’ll.  I went to church yesterday but was there for maybe 30 mins before I felt really off and left to come back home.  My mother asked one of the  associate pastors to come by my house today to pray with me.   I go to a fairly large church so you don’t always have an opportunity to interact on a personal level.  When he arrived I shared what was going on.  He shared with me that he’s in the consulting business.  He’s been out of work for one year.  His wife is an attorney, and she was downsized in July.  Bills upon bills, mortgage to pay and they are both unemployed.  I had no idea, as most people wouldn’t I’m sure.  We talked.  I hope we were an encouragement to each other.  We are all in this thing together.  Everybody has something that they are going through.

He told me he once heard “when you feel like you’re at the end of your rope just tie a knot and hang on.”  Best thing I’ve heard in weeks.  Then we prayed.

It Doesn’t End There

Monday morning Reggie called at 6:05 to see if the girls were awake.  He picks them up and takes them to school.  I mentioned before that T is uber slow.  She gets up really early because she’s sloooooooow.  Needless to say more often that not she sleeps through the alarm or snoozes.  After his call I jumped up, woke them and proceeded to get toothbrushes ready,  and cereal prepared. 

I felt a bit off…I figured that I jumped up too soon.  You know that feeling when you’re reaaaaallly tired and you get up too quick..your balance is off? After being up for a good 20 mins I left the livingroom and bumped into the wall.  Bird said “Mommy are you ok?”  I laughed it off like THIS is ridiculous.  They left I went back to bed at 6:40.  My alarm went off at 7:10.  I sat up and felt extremely off balance…while still sitting in bed mind you.  I called my mom.  While explaining to her what was going on I got upset and teared up.  I used the wrong word while talking to her…something that I should not have confused.  She told me to calm down and she’d call me back in 20 mins.  I got pretty upset because it seemed as though I would not be able to make it to my LSAT class.  That was unacceptable.  We hung up.  I tried to relax a bit.   Soon after my anxiety got the best of me and I got up.  *wooooooooo*  Balance OFF.  Fastening my bra was a task.  My hand coordination was bad.  Same thing when I tried to buckle my belt.  Next my vision became  blurred and overlapped.  My condition was getting worse. 

My mom called me back.  She told me she’d come to get me after she got off work.  That was in another 30 mins. 

I laid back down on the bed.  I could feel my fingers start to go numb.  I tried to exercise them, but it continued.  I called my girlfriend Yvette.  She could hear how upset I was as soon as she answered the phone.  She told me she was coming over.  I cried out to God for his protection.  I pleaded that he would keep me around my girls.  That he would keep in full function. I prayed over and over.  By the time she got there my left arm was totally stiff and my hand had balled into a fist that I couldn’t open.  My right hand was crazy looking as well.  I was extremely upset by that point.  My balance was still off.  Yvette tried to comfort me.  I kept thinking that this would be devastating to my academic plan.  She drove me to the hospital where my mom and R met us shortly after.  I’ll say this hospital sucked and leave it at that.  Not long after my lips were numb and tight…I couldn’t speak.

I was examined.  I couldn’t move my arms OR my legs now.  What is going on??  I could move my head fine…I could open my eyes as well, but I mostly kept them closed because it was so difficult to see.  A nurse came into draw my blood.  Her interpretation of drawning blood met jamming the needle up into my arm pushing over and OVER.  My scream came as muffles through this mouth that wouldn’t open.  I couldn’t move my arm to knocked the HE!! outta her because thats surely what my reflexes would have done.  She came back later to put in an IV.  My mom put the smash on that. 

Thankfully little by little I started recovering.  They ran tests and everything came back normal.  I felt that the doctors were very non-chalant in their approach with me.  I let them know on a couple of occasions.  It was like “oh, you’re doing better…go home.”  That was the sense I got.  I was released on Wednesday feeling really angry.  I was angry that there were no answers.  I have no insurance so I can’t see my regular neurologist.  I need state provided insurance.  I was scheduled to be seen at the Neurology clinic.  IN JUNE!!!

Yesterday I had a quiet moment and God asked me why I’m upset when they couldn’t find anything wrong.  He said I asked for healing and He DID IT.  What is there to be upset about?  I see it all different now.  When people are healed from cancer, they don’t question why the cancerous cells are gone. Geesh…I’m happy that He is so patient with me.

IT DOESN’T END THERE.

R was trying to find a way that I could see a good neurologist, and before June.  In one of his rages early on in the divorce he called and had me removed from his health plan.  He wanted to see if he could add me back on.  We talked about it, but I knew that you couldn’t add someone if it isn’t the open enrollment period.  He said he’d give it a try anyway, and let them know that I lost my job so I lost my insurance as well.  The rep looked up the information and told him that I was still on the insurance.  I’M STILLL ON THE INSURANCE!!!  He can’t fathom how that is possible.  He called to have me taken off.  While God sees the beginning from the end and he has the final say.  I’m not angry anymore.  I can see this whole situation as a lesson that He’s got this.

I missed two LSAT courses this week.  That had me bummed. I took my 2nd diagnostic test on Sunday.  I scored 6 points lower than my very first test…having never taken a course ever.  How does that happen?  That added to my anxiety on Monday.  How do I feel today?  I’m gonna have a HUGE testimony when this is alll said and done.

I’m humbled to tears.

*Special thanks to you for reaching out to me offline – you know who you are*