That’s why….

Parking sucks where I live.  Every Friday night is a pain.  I spend too much time waiting for a spot, tonight it was 30 mins sitting and circling looking for a parking space…frustrating.  I’m left acting like an overly anxious dog whenever someone exits the building that LOOKS like they may be going to a car.  This guy comes out and gets in his car.  I make a u-turn, pull up in front of his car, talk through the window (as if he can hear me…that’s what we do),  I nod and reverse to patiently wait for him to make my new parking spot available.  dooody dooody dooody doo – 5 mins later  What is taking dude so lonnnnng? It’s 10pm, I’m tired, I just killed a spider on my window…why is my car attracting spiders?? I wanna shower and sleep.

I get out the car, and as soon as I do, he gets out whistling…ok…maybe he wasn’t whistling, but that’s how rude and non-chalant he was.  So I say oh…I thought you were moving.  He rolls his eyes and says “AND…” real real stank!  I laughed….hard…thinking, did he just “and….” me?  He sure did.  So here I go “THAT’S WHY YOUR RIDE IS ALL JACKED UP NOW”  He stopped whistling…or least in my mind he did..lol

Let me set another scene…have you ever noticed a nice lil car and then shortly after you see that nice lil car has fallen subject to unfortunate circumstances.  Insert his car; a few months ago Bird said she liked the car, and recently I noticed the grill all banged up…driver’s door, dented.   A shame is what I thought at the time.  So that’s where my witty material came from.

“That’s why…..!” I took it back to high school…how mature am I huh? Is that a east coast phrase?  Said “that’s why” is always followed by something random, and totally unrelated to the issue, and is meant to antagonize the other individual when the attacker has no other material.

ex. scene: A shoulder bump occurs between two individuals when entering/exiting a store

Trash Talker #1: Yo…you ain’t ‘gon say excuse me

Trash Talker #2: no…..and!

Trash Talker #1: That’s why you got mushed  by xyz last year!

I did say high school.  Mind you…I just left choir rehearsal.  *eyes stretched @ me*  I’m going to repent.

My 1st love

Some weeks ago I shared my love at first sight story.  Periodically, prior to that…I would spend time with God, and pray for my future.  It included that unknown special someone.  I would get really detailed in my prayer.  I would pray for his family, career, difficulties, health, etc…but I was VERY sporadic with it.  I thought I’d give God a hand.  You know…help those who help themselves….UNTIL, my love at first sight experience.  I shut it down.  No websites, no special hook up cards, no going to chill at a spot where a cutie might walk by and I catch his eye.  I’ve never been more certain in hearing the Lord tell me to knock it off, relax and go sat down somewhere.  Since then, my prayer life in this area has been refueled.

I have a friend who I bounce things off of occasionally.  He’s one of a small few who I can chat with on things that are spiritually discerned.  Today was his birthday, yet I got off the phone with him feeling like I’d received the gift.  He said “Kelly, I want you to check this poetry video out.  It reminds me of you”  This has totally filled me up.  I could never have come up with the words to articulate them the way she has…just beautiful

Da Principal reached out to me recently with some serious…almost kinda talk.  He went as far as to say, that while I may have cared for him, HE was in love with me o_O

Here I am refueled…again.  If I am meant to remain single, then so be it.  He is my first love, the very definition of love.

AND I dig her hair.

Random coming your way

I’m watching Amazing—Race.  If Harlem doesn’t get this…ugh…it stress me out!

Wait until I get employed…I’ll be back to regla blog reading and blog posting…don’t judge me.

I heard a quote..”You can’t control your passion. You can only decide how much you will develop it.”  Oh how true.

A friend tries to engage me in watching SVU.  I can’t do that show.  From what I’ve seen a woman is always being violated; Being raped, molested, thrown off a roof…I can’t.

We had a gorgeous day on Friday.  Just a few degrees away from 70…today it was a chilly 22, and we are expecting snow tonight.

Crying at the end of Undercover Boss is a given.

I deserve a parade. I visited one of my favorite places…I—kea.  I picked up AAA batteries instead of the AA that I needed.  I headed over to Customer Service.  It’s like the flippin’ DMV!  I wait patiently until my number was called.  While I waited I picked up one of those feedback forms.  It plays out like this.  I’m told I can’t exchange the batteries and pay the difference.  I have to stand in line. AGAIN O_o.   I politely ask if she can contact one of the ladies working self service so that I don’t have to stand in line.  I went to the store to accompany my friend.  He was picking stuff up.  At that point I felt bad that he had to wait on me.  She says she can’t because there might be a line.  DUH! and insists that she can’t ring me up.  Really? At customer service they can’t allow a courtesy?  I ask to speak to the manager, and this heffa says she was going to ring me up but since I want to speak to the manager….  No, she said it just like that.  I’m not tryna play games…seriously.  Ring it up so I can go.  This situation could have gotten ugly.  I could use a parade…I’m just sayin’.

I need a massage stat.

Graduation pictures this week! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weekend Turnout: Love at First Sight edition

Do you believe in love at first sight?  I hadn’t.  In fact, whenever I’ve heard it, my internal reaction has been “what is that supposed to mean.”  I’ve been in a funk lately about my love life, or drastic lack thereof.  I don’t meet potential bachelors in my age group.  The only men that I seem to attract receive pensions.

I went to church this past Sabbath, and I met a man.  Love at first sight.

On Thursday, this guy on the radio gave V-day advice to men and women on how to NOT screw up.  He also told women if they didn’t have a V-day date they should still go out.  There will be people who will be out socializing.  A huge light bulb went off in my head.  ”I’M GOING OUT!”  A tape played in my head of my gf saying that I never go out.  I scoped out the perfect place.  Shopped my closet for what I could wear, and made plans with a wing gal.

Saturday that all changed.  The long story on how this all played out is comical.  I’ll keep it as short as possible.  He came as a speaker for our youth day program.  I introduced myself to him.  I’m not even sure if he understood what I was saying.  When I replayed the scene in my head I think I sounded like one of those old school tape players on fast forward…lol  I did find out that he is single, but I’m sure purposely because he is immersed in his work.  He’s an EXCELLENT speaker.  I googled him, and found that he is a well sought speaker, although that isn’t his career.  I’m totally smitten.

Later on we got a chance to speak again.  I managed to get out that I would like to keep in touch.  He gave me his email address.  Despite me initiating, I haven’t lost sight that I am the PRIZE.  I will not chase; just open the door for contact.  A few people who saw me speak to him called me over.  I played it cool…ya know, no big deal.  They asked what I was speaking to him about.  I just said I thanked him for coming, and that I appreciated him sharing his story.  I was shocked to hear them say “the funniest thing just happened, Kimmie and I looked at you, and then looked at each other and said at the same time, “They look good together!”  That would have been a good time to fall out.

For a few years now, off and on, I’ve been praying for my future husband.  I’ve prayed for his spiritual walk, his family, and his career.  I’ve prayed that whatever he’s going through that he would remain strong.  Besides physical attraction, this is what I’m attracted to; a man that I admire.  I need to admire him, spiritually, professionally, and personally.  I need to admire his relationship with God.  I want him to inspire me.  As I’m strengthening my walk with God, I can’t have a man that is going to bring me down.  I will offer the same.

I work hard, and I’m building a career.  There’s nothing worse, based on my experiences, than a man who hates his job.  A man who hates his job, who can’t identify his passion, is a miserable man.  I want to be my man’s biggest cheerleader. We’ll encourage each other.  I need a man who can identify with the fact that I have a passion.  My ex’s passion changed like he changed underwear.

I want a man who I can watch from across a room, and admire the way he treats the waiter or the chairman.  That is huge to me.  What is more important than character?  Based on that, the way he takes care of his family is a given.

*HUGE SIGH*  I feel like a school girl with grown woman expectations.  His hands look promising too

I realize that this man may think that I’m a total nut.  That’s not the point.  The point is that he is a man that is familiar with the voice of God.  If it’s meant to be he’ll know.  If it’s not, then I’ll know.  I’ve decided not to go.  This was a reminder of what I’m looking for.  I don’t want empty dating experiences.  This drought began to take a toll on me.  It occurred to me, I could really mess up what is meant for me if I did date aimlessly.  I feel refreshed.  I woke up on Sunday morning with Matthew 6:33 on my mind.  ”But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto [me] you.”

He is on the west coast.  Ideally, I’d just like to establish a good friendship.  I have my own thing going on.  I’m under development.  I want to bring the same things that I expect to the table.  I’m working on it!  In the meantime, I have my closet friends praying with me.  I’m naming it and claiming it in Jesus name!  Let the church say AMEN.

He’s the most humble man I’ve met.

Busted

Less yelling and screaming,less threatening, less 5 finger contact.  I’m talking about Miss. T. I don’t match her ‘tude with my own ‘tude, or her roll of the eye with my piercing eye.  I let her stand there looking like a bobble head.  It’s been working.  T is a big girl.  In the end, my pressure isn’t through the roof, and I feel like I have a better handle.  Although she still needs to be disciplined, I don’t want to take this girl to the streets.  She’s become de sensitized a bit.  Not only that, it’s the silent storm that makes her shiver.

Last night there were some issues.  I woke her up at 10 because 25% of the dishes that I told her to do were still in the sink.  Again, no yelling; very matter-of-fact.  Around 10:30 I went into her room and saw her scramble to close out the the website she was on.  It was t-wi.tter.  Of course I went in and made myself comfortable.  I asked her what page she was on, and obviously I was speaking japanese.  I confiscated the adapter for the monitor. (Due to the apt’s wiring the computer has to be in their room)

In the summer T asked me if she could have a FB page.  I said no.  She’s asked on other occasions as well.  I don’t think she needs one.  So as much as she tried to play coy, I knew, and she knew that I knew, she had no business using t-wi.tter.  I DON’T EVEN USE T-WI.TTER.  When you start to insult my intelligence it provokes me to eye squinting, finger pointing half an inch away from your eye, speaking through clenched teeth in a low tone form of wrath.  I snapped out of it, and invited her into the living room.  I had to get to the bottom of it.

I have real concerns about kids using these sites.  BOYS! I know that alot of kids do use FB and t.wit-ter.  I see some of my friend’s kids on :side-eye:  As we hash it out, she’s emotional and shares that she feels left out when her friends talk.  She wants to keep in contact with people that she once socialized with in school.  The truth is that so many adults are immature and reckless on FB.  How can kids be trusted to use it properly?  I don’t want her involved in mess.  I’m very protective of my girls, as I should be.

As I gave my “be a leader” and my “I didn’t have this, why do you need it” speech, my heart softened.  Aside from her hormonal acts of defiance, T is a very good girl and I’m blessed.  I may need to give her some slack.  I’ve known kids who were held tight, and then went buck wild at the first sign of freedom.  Balance.  This situation gave us another opportunity to have honest and open communication.  I would like to believe that I not only heard her, but that I listened as well.

I created an email address for her.  This picture thing seems to be a big deal.  When she wants to share a pic, it’ll go through me.  She doesn’t have access to uploading pictures anyway.  She’s still 12, so when she turns 13 in May she’ll have one.  I will have total administrator authority.  I’m not even sure if she’ll have the password..hmph.   That t-wit.ter page will be shut down.

Lord help me.

Sun shine!

I start my spring semester tonight.  I have to attend the main campus for this particular course.  I always look forward to new environments..new people.  Perhaps, maybe, possibly a prospect???

These young and old personifications of tomfoolery remind me just how single, with zero possibilities, I am.  I’m in a funk.  This winter hasn’t helped.  I think we’ve had more snow in the past 3-4 weeks than we’ve had in 2 years.

Where’s my sunshine?

 

 

I gotta be real with myself

Having someone in your home, who you don’t know, when you have young and impressionable children is not easy.  Obviously.  A risk…absolutely.  When it comes to teens, I have the “S on my chest” syndrome.  This situations has shown me that this is why I was most drawn to foster this age group.  For a week I’ve been desperately praying about her situation.  On one hand I want to really be instrumental in helping her get on track.  On the other hand, I don’t KNOW her, and my plate is pretty full. I need to keep my nose squeaky clean as I prepare for admission to law school.  This issue has enough uncertainty to ruin my future goal.

Last week, I did some gentle encouraging and made suggestions about her job search.  By Thursday I was PISSSSSED.  When I was 19 I had my own apt, and bills that I paid.  Everyone is not the same.  I recognize that, but my eyes are my lenses.  So when she told me that she wasn’t going to look anymore because M-arshall’s said they were hiring next week, and she knows she’ll get the job *dahelliswrongwithyou-eyes-stretched*.   We’ve discussed scenarios where she’s expressed that doesn’t want to travel…in other words, spend money for a metro card, because they’re only paying 7.25.

Me: You do NOT live in reality.  No employer cares if you have to travel.  If you don’t want to spend the money on transportation..fine.  There will be someone from Brooklyn, who will.  Tell me how you’re earning right now?  Your situation is DI-RE!

She’s naive.  I don’t mind schooling her, but for how long?

Meanwhile, she has this army aspiration.  Her recruiter has been out of the country.  She just returned.  When I called and spoke to another recruiter, he was able to tell me she has not taken the ASVAB exam.  It sometimes takes weeks-months after the exam to start training.  Realistically, I can’t deal with that time frame.

I spent the better part of last week trying to determine if I should give her 1,2 or 3 more weeks…all while thinking, dang…she’s a hell of a cleaner.

Saturday night I decided I wanted to go snow tubing with the girls.  Which meant I would have to leave the house at 6am.  Dilemma: What about her?  She can’t stay in my home while I’m not there…certainly not all day while I’m up in the mountains.  But where is she going to go at 6am?  That’s what I struggle with.  I become super problem solver.  It adds a stress that I don’t need, BUT no one put on me.  I put it on myself.  Know what I did?  I just told her.  I had to decide to be ok with not worrying about what she would do.  If nothing else, I just learned….SATURDAY NIGHT…to be ok with what I can and cannot do, AND not worry about it.

When we all got in last night, she had the idea of going to Job Corp if the military doesn’t work out.  It’s a fantastic idea, and hopefully an answer to my prayer.  I’m very familiar with their program.  My mom worked there as a nurse, and one my closest friends went there to pick up a trade.  The best part (for me) is the on campus housing, and the stipend they provide.  I suggested that she pursue Job Corp as an intermediary to the military.  When the military calls her then she can just leave.  I don’t want to put this girl out.  I do have to be realistic.

She’s a good girl, but she was raised by a woman with some demons.  I don’t KNOW her, but the kind that comes home and calls her daughters lazy b’s, or an overweight one an elephant.

Every coin has two sides

I knocked on her mom’s door Saturday night.  THAT LADY IS PISSSSSSSED!  She was all “uh uh SISTA!”  I asked if HG got a job, and could contribute if she would let her in.  That’s when I got ”uh uh SISTA!”  HG was with me.  She kept walking away from the door when I had more questions.  I felt like a reporter doing an expose’.  I wanted to know if there were any friends or family that could take her in.  This lady really couldn’t care less.

She asked me if I ever cursed my mother out, or if I ever fought with her. NO and NO.  Anyway, she has washed her hand with HG. THE END.  I talked to HG about it.  She said that her mom is spiteful.  This is her adoptive mother.  When she left for good, she yelled out “WHY DON’T YOU GO LIVE WITH DAVID.”  David is her biological father.  I don’t think she’s seen him since she was 6.  There’s alot of grudges and anger.  Either way I don’t agree with her poor decisions.

She still loves her mother, and wants to know if she’ll ever speak to her again.  I don’t know.

Her sister gave me a short list of family that might allow her to stay with them.  She doesn’t want me to call anyone on that list. She says she doesn’t know them.

Geez

 

Tough Love

A couple of days ago I noticed that down the hall,there’d been a girl sitting in front of her door. What was odd was that there was an extra large bag with stuff there as well. I chose not to pay it much mind. The following day I came in from school around 9:30, and same scene. I wanted to say something, but what do I say? I asked T if she’d been there when she came in from school earlier, she said “oh yea mommy, you should say something to her.” I put my coat down, and went down the hall.

Me: Um…*pointing to alot of stuff* What’s going on?

Her: (hesitant and acknowledging the awkwardness of the display)

Me: Are you in foster care? You can tell me to mind my business….but are you?

Her: No, my mom is just being a bit difficult right now.

Me: ohhhhhh….tough love…ok, well, I just wanted to find out what was going on. My name is Kelly. Do you need anything?

Her: No, thank you….my name is Jackie.

The next morning she rang my bell. She had a gift basket full of stuff she wanted to give the girls. Lotions, sprays…nail polish etc…She said she knew they would appreciate it because she would have at that age. I thanked her and invited her in. We talked. She explained that they’ve been having problems. Her mom gave her three weeks to get out. Said she wanted her own space back. She didn’t have a job, the three weeks was up and she put her out. She refused unless she found her a safe place to stay. She’s planning to start training for the military in March/April. She wind up telling me that she was adopted by her mom. For as long as she’s been out there, the mother leaves and goes…basically walking by her and not saying a word.

I shared that I knew that there was more than one side to a story. Parenting a teen can be exhausting, I know this through fostering. She shared that she had faults. I suggested that her mom just needed a bit to calm down, and that if she adopted her, she definitely loved her. I suggested that she needed to say sorry for whatever occurred in the past. Her mom would need to know that she understood the frustration, and the hurt feelings she may have caused.

I fed her breakfast, she took a shower (all while checking to make sure her stuff was ok still in the hall) I told her that if she needed food, or to make use of my bathroom she could come.

I went about my day. I saw her that night when I came back in. Sometimes she’s sleeping, reading or just sitting there.

This morning I got up super early. I said good morning, left and came back in. She knocked on my door around 9:30. Her face looked completely spent….like emotionally/mentally fatigued. The first thing she said was “my mom said if she gets a citation that it’s gonna be a problem.” We talked some more. I told her that I needed to check some of her facts, but that I would allow her to stay with us. There are conditions. She must find a job. She can not be in my home when I’m not home, and if she’s working that should not be a problem. I could see the relief. I mean…she kept saying that she would have left if she had a safe place to stay. This is my fault. I did ASK. smh

I did the right thing. I told her that I needed to speak to her sister. I headed down the hall….the cops are there. Obviously for her. I told them that I let her come in. Now they said that she’s not allowed to put her out. I know that….what’s most important is that the mother knows this, but she did anyhow. The cops chatted with her while I spoke to the sister…she’s 26. With just me asking what’s going on, she told me basically everything Jackie said. Her sister feels caught in the middle. The mother is crazy…going thru menopause not wanting to reason. However, her situation is no better because she has one month left to find someplace to stay. The difference is she has friends. Jackie separated herself from the no good friends she had, and so now she has no one.

We have a plan of attack for her to find employment and get some kind of public assistance. I told her I can provide a safe place, someone to talk to, and food. While we were eating dinner she made note that us gals, have a good relationship. She said that her mother never talked to her. They just lived with each other, and moved around each other. There were no “i love you’s” or hugs. No “good mornings,” and she doesn’t know why. I would bet that she probably didn’t think it odd, until she saw how the girls and I relate. Then she asked if I thought her mom would ever speak to her again. Unfortunately I couldn’t answer that question.

I asked if her mom had any friends. She said no. Isn’t that SUPER telling?!!!

I wish I posted this when I first wanted to, if so this would just be an update to the “girl in the hallway” story. You would have read me saying…”I thought about letting her in, BUT I’ON’T KNOW HER! That ain’t happening.” This is too long now. I’m not proofreading a thing. good luck.

We are supposed to help each other. We’re to do it intelligently. I’ve done what I can do on my part to safe guard us. God will scratch where I can’t reach.

Last thing: I gave her sheets to make up her bed. I had trouble finding a twin set. Between sheets, socks, and storage bowls…I don’t know where things go. I asked about her bed…she paused and said she didn’t have one. She’d been sleeping on the couch. Her mom turned her room into a closet *EYES STRETCHED!!!!!*

My score is in!!!!

I received my score via email shortly after 9pm last night.  I was standing in line at Tar-zhay.  I was online with a clearance belt that I put down daysss ago, but I couldn’t get outta my mind…lol  I smiled when I first saw my score, and then within seconds I didn’t feel as happy.  I felt disappointed.  It was lower than my average while I was testing myself at home.

I forced myself to shake it off.  I didn’t reach the benchmark that I set, but I did show improvement.  Like I said in my last post, I had a plan of how I thought things should unfold.  I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that when we make plans, God laughs.

I’m taking my score and applying to all of the schools where I’d like to have acceptance.  There’s a song called “Little becomes much when you place it in the master’s hand”

I realize that this process is bigger than just me wanting to go to school.  He is molding me.  I’m okay with that.

::HUGE SMILE::