What is at the top of your mountain? Tuesday, Nov 3 2009

Part of the reason why I share the details of what I go through in my daily life is because I want you guys to challenge me…to hold me accountable to those things that I say I’m going to do, or not going to do…be it in my personal relationships or my school/career aspirations.  So many of you inspire me for various reasons.  

The other reason I share so much is because I know one day it is going to be a joy to look back, once I’ve attained some of the things I aspire to.  Often times people don’t realize what others that have had to overcome to get where they are…they just see the blessing, but not the struggle. 

Stumbling blocks are a given especially when you are reaching towards the prize at the top.  I shared my experience the other week with needing to take this addt’l class.  It puts me at an 18 credit course load this semester.  As I mentioned, the fact that the Campus Director offered financial assistance made the pill a bit easier to swallow. 

Last week Thursday I was leaving school when the same woman who told me that I HAD to take this course stopped me.  Long story short in her very own style of tacky she told me that I needed to clear with financial aid so that I could take the course.  I countered with “No…Dr. Campus Director needs to take care of that”.  Ms. Waste of Oxygen said “No…that offered was rejected by the Dean“.  Was it her place to reveal that to me…she didn’t make the offer in the 1st place?  At that point I could have allowed my pressure to rise.  I shrugged and said “Ok, well that I guess that means I can’t take the course…that’s a no brainer” and I walked away.  She stood looking at me like I had 3 heads. 

What I have not shared is that I have an outstanding balance right now of $1,062.  My financial aid award should have covered all of my classes.  Something went awry, so this is what I’m left with.  My education is important so this will be dealt with, but it is another blow.          

Fast forward to last night.  I ran into Dr. Campus Director…I didn’t mention my discussion with Ms. Waste of Oxygen.  I asked about her original offer and it still stands, she even mentioned giving me books for next semester.  All should be in place by Wednesday.  It’s a good thing I recognize a waste of oxygen when I see one.  Why bother conversing with her when she has no final yes or no to offer.  Yup…stumbling blocks.           

I will be greasing her palm  showing my appreciation for her assistance.  I heard she loves breads.           

 What is at the top of your mountain?

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His voice Wednesday, Oct 28 2009

Last week I was a bit shook up at work when I received an email from my office manager.  I had already received my evaluation so it couldn’t be that.  My mind went to the worse case scenario.  People have been getting laid off here and there…quietly.  At that moment I said to God…”you didn’t tell me about this”.  

I was 18 years old, and  I worked for a very small stationary company as an accounts payable clerk.  There was alot of crap that went on in that office.  People yelling and arguing back and forth.  It made me so uncomfortable.  I stayed because my mother told me to just ignore it, and I knew I had a bigger goal.  I remember bringing home $210 every week.  I was RICH! 

I got ready for work that morning, sitting on the edge of my bed I reached for my underwear drawer and God said “You’re going to be fired today”.  I did a scooby doo “ahruuuuu”…I let it sit for 3 seconds and then I continued getting myself together.  When Mr.  Unz called “Kelly…come here” it hit me again and I knew what was coming.  I wasn’t on probation…I had never received a warning….I hadn’t screwed up anything, but I knew what was coming.  The whole way home I kept saying to myself “I KNEW IT“…I was amazed.

It was 2005.  I had to drive 30 mins (w/traffic) every morning to bring the girls to school.   They loaded in the back seat – knowing the rules they buckled up.  I was getting myself situated when God said “You’re going to be in a car accident this morning”.  No scooby doo this time, but I let what I just heard marinate for 2 seconds.  I then turned to the girls and said “Are your seatbelts on?” They said answered yes and I said “are you sure?“  T raised her brow at me…she was 7 years old…not much as changed.  I insisted they pull their belts tight just to be sure.  My seatbelt was secured, but I thought “well let me pull my seat back…if the airbag deplows I don’t want my face to get messed up“.  I did all that and then set on my way.  I dropped the girls off at school and then headed to where I park the car so that I could jump on my bus.  I was 2 minutes away from my parking spot.  I headed towards my green light when I was slammed into by a car trying to make a quick left turn before I reached the intersection.  Her timing placed her front fender right where my front tire and door were.  With my head resting on my steering wheel I said “This is it“. 

I had taken extra precautions when I heard the voice, but it wasn’t a dark cloud weighing over my head.  I wasn’t waiting for this major car crash to come, but here it was.  We both walked away unharmed.  There was damage to my vehicle, but it was repaired.  I shared this account with someone once and I was asked “well why did you drive that day?“.  I drove because I wasn’t told NOT to drive…I was simply warned.   However, if I had not driven that day how would I know that that was really His voice speaking to me?  How would I know that His hand that purposefully kept me from harm?  How could I build on my personal experience that He knows the beginning from the end and that sometimes he’ll let me in on what he knows, so that I can understand that He’s got my back?

There have been several times when I’ve had similar occurances.  As a result of my experiences I have become very careful when I hear His voice cautioning me.   I encourage you to develop your ear so that it is in tune with his voice.  God speaks.

It wasn’t the worst case scenario, but I am NOT happy about the change.  I do know that He has my back come what may.

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Octopus arms Thursday, Oct 22 2009

I am a planner.  I sit down and meticulously map out what I have to do to achieve xyz.  I’ve shared with you my plans to take x amount of credits for the upcoming semesters so that I can reach my target graduation date.

Last night me and another woman were called out of class to meet with an advisor.  When we reached her office she had paperwork already set out on her desk for us to sign. *eyes stretched*  She proceeds to tell us that we need to take a class starting Monday night.  I sat back calmly, yet defiantly and told her I can’t do another course right now…I’m already taking 16 credits.  Without a bat of her eye or a break in her stride she says “You have to“.  There is absolutely nothing I hate more than to be told or forced to do something…especially when I have good reason as to why I can not do it. 

My response to her was “I have a full plate right now…is there any flexibility because I can’t“.  She says “Well you can’t graduate without it, you can drop one of your other courses and take it next semester“.  “I’ve always had a lot of respect for this woman, but why is she bringing up graduation issues when I have several semesters to tackle before I reach that plateau??? *breathe*  “I.can’t”  Seeing that we were at a stalemate she left the office, and returned with the campus director.  GREAT!

She comes in with all of her bobble head animation “Kelly…what is it?  You have to take this course now…you just have to” *note that that really wasn’t a question; no one gives a sam hill as to why I can’t take it*  I’m silent.  Then she whispers “If it’s financial don’t worry…I’ll give you a retention”.  I resigned, and she left with a directive for me to email her in the morning. 

I sat down now so frustrated and overwhelmed that my eyes filled with tears.  I PLAN!!!  This was someone elses’ oversight that I didn’t have this course by now.  No I can’t drop what I already have and take it next semester.  Next semester I’ll be attending an LSAT prep course that’ll have me in class two nights a week…a weekend included, and taking 12 credits at the college.

It became clear to me that this was a crack down.  They were audited and now they have to do damage control in order to be in compliance.  It just sucks for me that now I’ll be away from home and the girls an extra night.  All of my other responsibilities that are already vying for time will now be condensed into one less day.

I’m not complaining…now.  I’m really just sharing.  I’m going to roll with the punches and do what I’ve always done, and give it my all.  I’m going to do my best to grow octopus arms because clearly I’ll need it.  I’ll buy stock in red bull because buying a lifelong supply to carry me through this semester…the stock is sure to rise!

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Random clutter Wednesday, Oct 21 2009

I’ve wanted to blog, but when there’s sooooo much going on in my brain I can’t do a single thing.

I have lunch with a co-ed multi-cultural group.  We laugh sooo much sometimes I nearly pee on myself.  On Friday we were talking about vitamins when Ram mentioned that he likes to take B12 shots…gives energy etc.  I inquired more because if its that good I need that in my life stat! He went on to say that he gets them from his boyfriend.  As a result of his boyfriends’ HIV status he needs them.  My reaction was “wow”…then he said that he was HIV positive as well…..”wow”.  We talked about this for awhile and his numbers are low enough that he does not need medication.  I felt really grateful that medicine has progressed enough that being HIV does not have to mean it’s a death sentence. 

It also made me wonder…are folx really STILL having unprotected secks???? SERIOUSLY???  I don’t think I updated ya’ll on this yet, but remember the girl that left her son with my friend and then went missing?  Well she was found….her body that is.  It seems that her boyfriend killed her because he discovered that she gave him HIV…speechless.  Do you know of friends that are this careless with their bodies??  You might want to share this story.

I did the breast cancer walk on Sunday.  On Sunday, the weather was cold, rainy and windy.  WICKED.  R picked up me and the girls.  Before we left the house he kept wondering out loud if I would be warm enough.  I had on leggings, two long sleeved tees, and my vest.  He dropped us off at the registration booth so that he could go and park the car.  We were outside a good 2 minutes when I cried aloud.  It was FREEZING!  I called his cell and we headed back to the house.  We changed clothes and made it back without missing anything.

The walk was a little emotional.  It felt great to be united with so many people for the same cause.  We were doing a great thing.  I plan to do the walk next year as well.

School is going well, but I’m feeling a little overwhelmed.  I’m not even sure why.

Another guy in my lunch crew has been coping with his boyfriend’s cancer.  This guy is only 24 years old.  Yesterday he was rushed into emergency surgery, and it wasn’t looking good.  I got word before I left work that he pulled through the surgery, but that his condition was still very critical.  I’ve been praying hard for him.

Oy vie…what’s some good news???  The girls are doing great.  They’ve had some moments of civility over the past few days.  I’ve been putting some funk in my work wear dress…no pics…ya’ll ain’t ready…lol

I purchased a pair of grey shoes yesterday…I’ve had them in my thoughts for like 3 weeks.  I’m glad that I waited…the price was sweeeet.  They make me happy. 

I’m starting to plan my holiday party.

I’ve had so many opportunities to witness in the past week or two.  It’s been great…and I’m thankful to be used.

I’ll be making a trip to NC in January.  I want to scope out my (potentially)new state in the winter season, and then I’ll visit again in April or May. 

This is for us Nerdgirl “”Procrastination is the grave in which opportunity is buried” ~Author unknown

*exhale*

Random?

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More than that Thursday, Oct 15 2009

I saw a young man this morning with his pants tight AND hung low.  I felt something stirring inside that made me want to slap him…really.   I started to quicken my steps and just when I came within steps he pulled them up and pulled down his shirt.  Ugh

I don’t have a son, but I have girls.  I’m telling them now that this is unacceptable.  Don’t even entertain a guy like that with eye contact.  I am so tired of seeing this anti-productive trend perpetuated.  It’s horrible.  It’s really only “our” people or other people trying to act like us.  A man can not be about business or accomplish anything with his pants low.  It’s just physically impossible. 

I don’t have sons, but I’m going to try to find a way to start reaching out to young men about this.  It makes us look dumb.  I know they think its just fashion.  It’s much more than that.  It’s a mindset.  Each one reach one.

How do you feel about this?

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It’s about me Wednesday, Oct 14 2009

I was conversing with S23 the other day about the guy I’ve been getting to know.  I see the mention of a man didn’t get past you TM..lol.  He wants to settle down and get married.  He’s what I desire in a man in a lot of ways, BUT I don’t feel any chemistry.

She asked me if I prayed about it, and I have.  I’ve prayed about it a dozen ways.  As much as I want to be boo’d up and live in matrimonial bliss I don’t see this going anywhere.  When I first separated from R I was so afraid to be alone.  I did not want to live alone for the rest of my life.  It’s been 5 years and although I am single, I am not lonely. 

I don’t know when it’ll be God’s will to bless me with a mate, but I do know I’m not ready right now.  Why would I say that?  I’m praying for a specific mate.  Among other things, I want a priest for my home.  A man that is going to do everything to make sure his house is in order for heaven.  I realize that this is probably not a popular message.   With womens’ lib in full effect the very mention of being submissive is enough to warrant a side-eye. 

While I am not trying to walk 10 feet behind my man, I am also not preaching that I can do anything as good as you (a man) and better.  We are not the same, and we’re not designed to be.  My point is that I realized I better be careful what I ask for.  What I’m asking for is right…for me.  However, I also know that if he were to show up right now I would give resistance.  “I should stop doing what? You feel what? You prayed about what??”   It’s about me. I’ve got to work on being the kind of woman that the man I’m praying for deserves.

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Weekend Turn-out Monday, Oct 12 2009

My massage was a big disappointment. It wass my fault tho…I didn’t request the guy who rocked my world.  This woman talked through it.  I pointed out a cut on my ankle so she’d be careful…she asked me how I got it, I explained I got it during my excursion in Cancun.  Then she asked if my vacation was expensive..smh.  When I was trying to relax I heard her stomach grumble.  Every so often it seems as though she was gasping for air…was she asthmatic?  I kept wishing it was over.   She sat on the edge of the table a few times.  She had no real technique other than just rubbing.   Unfortunately, for me it was a waste. 

I had a mouse in my house…I won’t tell you how I screamed and carried on, and I won’t tell you that when I took my mom to embark on her cruise the girls called me in sheer hysteria.  I also won’t mention that I was secretly glad that I wasn’t home.

I will say that the guy that I’ve been getting to know saved the day.  The girls jumped ship…they were like “We’re going to Daddy’s house and not coming back until it’s gone“  I don’t blame them at all.  I have a cat named Boots.  Boots was about her b.i.zness, but this game was taking too long.  Before my friend left last night I had him do some more checking.   He killed it, I was glad and then he felt bad. Oh well.  IT’S DEAD and now I can rest easy.  Rest easy is just what I did.  So much so that I woke up an hour late this morning.  I didn’t even rush.  I took my time.  That rest was much needed.

On Saturday my girls got baptized.  I was  SUPER PROUD MAMA! We’ve had a crusade going on at the church for 3 weeks.  The first week they asked parents to bring their young children.  I took the girls up…I didn’t realize it was for baptism.  T wasn’t having it.  I talked to her for a bit about the importance of this decision.  She listened and said no..so I left it alone.  The following Sabbath, she said..”Mommy I’m going to get baptized next week”.  I gave her a BRIGHT smile..and she said “don’t smile at me”…lol.  So Sabbath came…Bird decided she wanted to do it too.  We were in the back so that they could change into their baptismal robes.  T started to feel anxious and she wanted to renege.  Anxious went to panic with her shaking her head saying no.  Then she says to me “I’m not ready…you made me do it” *insert OH NO YOU DIDN’T JUST SAY THAT face*.  I leaned in and said “I never forced you to do this…we talked about it..you said no and I left it alone”.  “But I kept thinking about it” “Well if you were thinking about it then that is the Holy Spirit speaking…is the Holy Spirit STILL speaking to you?” *silence*  I then asked Bird if she still wanted to do it if T didn’t do it.  She got very emotional and cried in her hands. She didn’t answer, but her actions told me that she really wanted to do it, but she wanted to do it with her sister.  I left her alone with her thoughts and I prayed for her.  At the end of the service she was ready.

(I cut the video short because afterwards I couldn’t get any footage past that dang blue blanket.  I later found out that sometimes when they go down womens underparts are exposed so they use the blanket for privacy.)

T was SOOOOOO HAPPY! She kept saying “I feel sooo goood! I’m soo happy we made the right choice!”  Bird was happy as well.  As a mom I was overwhelmed with joy.

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Over it Wednesday, Oct 7 2009

The past couple of days have been really emotional for me.  I’m guess it’s ’round that time.

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WWYD update Tuesday, Sep 15 2009

It’s been several day since this happened.  My friend called the authorities.  The boy was placed with his grandmother.  Unfortunately, the mother is now considered missing.  Her computer and some other things were removed from her apartment.  They are looking into her boyfriend.  Either way you flip it, it’s sad.

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Re-post: 9/11 Rememberance Friday, Sep 11 2009

I was home sleeping nursing my daughter when my phone rang. It was my mom. She said that a plane hit the Twin Towers. I was annoyed because I had been up one time too many with my newborn. Then she said “Well doesn’t Maggie work there?” It took a moment for me to realize she was talking about the World Trade Center. I’d never referred to it as the Twin Towers before.

I turned on the Fox 5 news, and viewers were calling in giving their accounts…what they see….what they heard. There was a viewer calling from New Jersey who said she could see alot of smoke from her balcony. Then the second plane hit. That’s when they knew.

I began to call Maggie’s job. I remembered a few months back, my ex-husband and his brother went to pick something up from her job and they talked about how high up Mommy works. Maggie started work at 8 am. It wasn’t 9 am yet and the phone lines were going to straight to voicemail. I began to pray. I called my ex-husband. I wanted to know what floor she worked on.

The phone had a constant busy signal. Using our nextel I beeped thru and he answered. Distressed and shaken, he said he couldn’t remember which floor she worked on. We heard from Maggie hours later, hours after both buildings she once worked in collapsed. I’ll never forget the image of the firefighers walking towards the buildings to assist their brothers. After the towers fell this firefighter threw off his gear and in agony began to beat it against the concrete street.

Maggie and others walked from the 100+ floor to a lower floor. She saw her friend Soledi standing in the elevator bank. Soledi comforted Maggie and told her to calm down. “Maggie, its ok, calm down, get on this elevator” Soledi, what about you, what are you gonna do? “It’s ok, I’ll take the next one, I’m waiting for [.......]“. Maggie got on the elevator, and shortly after reaching the lobby, the second plane hit. My mother-in-law made it….Soledi did not. At age 39, she left behind 2 young daughters and a husband. I didn’t know Soledi, but because she and Maggie were such good friends she was invited to our wedding 5 years before. This is a tribute to Soledi and the many others whose lives were cut too short.

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