Weekend Turnout: Love at First Sight edition

Do you believe in love at first sight?  I hadn’t.  In fact, whenever I’ve heard it, my internal reaction has been “what is that supposed to mean.”  I’ve been in a funk lately about my love life, or drastic lack thereof.  I don’t meet potential bachelors in my age group.  The only men that I seem to attract receive pensions.

I went to church this past Sabbath, and I met a man.  Love at first sight.

On Thursday, this guy on the radio gave V-day advice to men and women on how to NOT screw up.  He also told women if they didn’t have a V-day date they should still go out.  There will be people who will be out socializing.  A huge light bulb went off in my head.  ”I’M GOING OUT!”  A tape played in my head of my gf saying that I never go out.  I scoped out the perfect place.  Shopped my closet for what I could wear, and made plans with a wing gal.

Saturday that all changed.  The long story on how this all played out is comical.  I’ll keep it as short as possible.  He came as a speaker for our youth day program.  I introduced myself to him.  I’m not even sure if he understood what I was saying.  When I replayed the scene in my head I think I sounded like one of those old school tape players on fast forward…lol  I did find out that he is single, but I’m sure purposely because he is immersed in his work.  He’s an EXCELLENT speaker.  I googled him, and found that he is a well sought speaker, although that isn’t his career.  I’m totally smitten.

Later on we got a chance to speak again.  I managed to get out that I would like to keep in touch.  He gave me his email address.  Despite me initiating, I haven’t lost sight that I am the PRIZE.  I will not chase; just open the door for contact.  A few people who saw me speak to him called me over.  I played it cool…ya know, no big deal.  They asked what I was speaking to him about.  I just said I thanked him for coming, and that I appreciated him sharing his story.  I was shocked to hear them say “the funniest thing just happened, Kimmie and I looked at you, and then looked at each other and said at the same time, “They look good together!”  That would have been a good time to fall out.

For a few years now, off and on, I’ve been praying for my future husband.  I’ve prayed for his spiritual walk, his family, and his career.  I’ve prayed that whatever he’s going through that he would remain strong.  Besides physical attraction, this is what I’m attracted to; a man that I admire.  I need to admire him, spiritually, professionally, and personally.  I need to admire his relationship with God.  I want him to inspire me.  As I’m strengthening my walk with God, I can’t have a man that is going to bring me down.  I will offer the same.

I work hard, and I’m building a career.  There’s nothing worse, based on my experiences, than a man who hates his job.  A man who hates his job, who can’t identify his passion, is a miserable man.  I want to be my man’s biggest cheerleader. We’ll encourage each other.  I need a man who can identify with the fact that I have a passion.  My ex’s passion changed like he changed underwear.

I want a man who I can watch from across a room, and admire the way he treats the waiter or the chairman.  That is huge to me.  What is more important than character?  Based on that, the way he takes care of his family is a given.

*HUGE SIGH*  I feel like a school girl with grown woman expectations.  His hands look promising too

I realize that this man may think that I’m a total nut.  That’s not the point.  The point is that he is a man that is familiar with the voice of God.  If it’s meant to be he’ll know.  If it’s not, then I’ll know.  I’ve decided not to go.  This was a reminder of what I’m looking for.  I don’t want empty dating experiences.  This drought began to take a toll on me.  It occurred to me, I could really mess up what is meant for me if I did date aimlessly.  I feel refreshed.  I woke up on Sunday morning with Matthew 6:33 on my mind.  ”But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto [me] you.”

He is on the west coast.  Ideally, I’d just like to establish a good friendship.  I have my own thing going on.  I’m under development.  I want to bring the same things that I expect to the table.  I’m working on it!  In the meantime, I have my closet friends praying with me.  I’m naming it and claiming it in Jesus name!  Let the church say AMEN.

He’s the most humble man I’ve met.

My score is in!!!!

I received my score via email shortly after 9pm last night.  I was standing in line at Tar-zhay.  I was online with a clearance belt that I put down daysss ago, but I couldn’t get outta my mind…lol  I smiled when I first saw my score, and then within seconds I didn’t feel as happy.  I felt disappointed.  It was lower than my average while I was testing myself at home.

I forced myself to shake it off.  I didn’t reach the benchmark that I set, but I did show improvement.  Like I said in my last post, I had a plan of how I thought things should unfold.  I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that when we make plans, God laughs.

I’m taking my score and applying to all of the schools where I’d like to have acceptance.  There’s a song called “Little becomes much when you place it in the master’s hand”

I realize that this process is bigger than just me wanting to go to school.  He is molding me.  I’m okay with that.

::HUGE SMILE::

Long (kinda) stories short

I went to see Colored Girls…loved it….hated the ignant heffas there to see Madea all around me.

Bird landed herself a smackdown upon a second phone call from a teacher.  It always goes like this “Bird is an extremely smart girl, but she…..”

I have got to learn how to deal with T when her hormones are out of control.

On Sunday, I went to a “luxury” spa for a mani/pedi..love the color “turning heads red”..why does it look like my nails have been stripped bare now?

Love my eyebrow guy.  Have I mentioned he refuses to accept payment or tip, or that now my brows are balanced??

I have an older classmate that is a bit…alot of a bit…to the left.  She’s off. She hates me.  She told me today.  *eyes stretched* yup.

Again

Hola folx…well I was admitted into the hospital (AGAIN) yesterday morning. I share this because I’m in really good spirits, and this is about my journey. Remember last time I told y’all I was a mess? My future must be great because Satan is mad and tryna take ya girl out.

Last Tuesday I saw the neuro and he referred me to a seizure specialist. I saw her last Tuesday. She was supposed to be admit me on the 8th (after my test) for another test, but obviously given the circumstances they’re doing it now. However, I am in here with my books studying- no joke.

I had alot of the symptoms I had last time but then I had a big seizure which I haven’t had since ’01. T was home and did an AWESOME job taking care of me. I know she was scared because I was incapacitated, but she kept calm and asked what she should do. She called R who lives nearby. She even started packing my hospital bag…without me telling her to. I think my talk helped her in this situation. Funny thing is I bought a nice watch (purple.. She od’s) for her last week. I decided I wouldn’t give it to her until she really earned it. I think she’s earned.

Anywhoo I’m doing better than yesterday, but I think I’ll be here for a couple of days.

checking in

Hey my blog homies {{hugs}} I needed that.

So this is the last week of classes, and I finished my last lsat lesson last week. I feel like a load has been lifted. Normally Iwould have registered for my summer classes by now. This semester wore me out. It pains me to even think about what my next courses should be. Thank God its over. I’ve decided not to take the June LSAT. I’m not ready. Studying for this test requires way more than I realized…even with not having a full-time job. Ive not had the time to go over questions repeatedly…which is key in doing well. I’ve not been scoring anywhere near what I’d like to score. Originally I figured I’d take it in June, and then again in October if I didn’t score as high. At this point I already know what the outcome is going to be. The new plan is to work it over the summer…probably take the course again and then test in October. If necessary I’ll re-take in December (thumbs down).

I’m praying that I won’t have to go back to work until January, if at all. I’ve a new interest that may give me the income I need. So right now my summer looks like this

• Re-take LSAT course and continue studying for October exam
• Explore new career opportunity
• Take one 2 credit class (8 weeks)

I think I can handle it.

In other news I’ve been having a difficult time emotionally. When I read about bret.t.mich.els. brain bleed a couple of weeks ago it sent me into an emotional tailspin. He had the same kind of brain hemorrhage that I had. The following week or so I had a dream that I knew I was going to die so I told a friend my wishes. Next I was preparing to tell the girls. In my sleep I was extremely emotional and it was just gut wrenching pain knowing that it would hurt them. I woke up very upset. I don’t know if you watch Pr…iv…atePra..cti..ce. If you saw the season finale you may have been distrubed as well. One of the characters Dell was in a car accident. Initially he seemed to just have a few scratches. Later in the episode they found out that he had a brain bleed, the plan was to operate and they seemed as optimistic as they could be. It was late in the night, but he requested that his daughter come to the hospital..she was maybe 5 years old. She laid with him on the bed talking to her (her mother died last season). He said that he knows when her mom passed away that sucked and that if anything should happen to him that would suck too, but she should know that those are the worst things that will ever happen to her. She has people that love her..etc…

They operated and they could not control the bleed. He flatlined and I screamed no. I sat in the living room alone wailing. I was a mess. Everything was just alll too close to home. Him telling his daughter…the brain bleed…all of it…I felt absolutely terrible. I’ve been feeling really bad on and off since then. I shared this with my girlfriend and she suggested that I start getting my paperwork in order and also have a talk with the girls. Last night I had a talk with T. When I started talking she wanted to know why I was telling her these things. I explained that it would just be good for her to know in case anything happened. I told her that if anything should happen she would live with her Dad during the week and visit Nana on the weekends so they could go to church. I explained to her when people die the bible says that they are asleep, and when you have committed your life to Christ death is not forever. He promises to raise those who are asleep in him when He returns. I told her how I felt when my grandfather died. I wanted her to know that yes it hurts, but that I would want her to move beyond the hurt so that when she thought of me she would smile instead of cry. I shared that I’d like to be cremated and we even laughed a bit…it was really good. Afterwards my heart felt much more at ease.

Later that evening I texted my mother to share our talk and she was not happy. She sarcastically asked if I sent her to bed crying. We exchanged a couple of more texts. I asked if she was unhappy about it, and she didn’t answer. We speak daily and I still haven’t heard from her. I’m glad that I did it. I’m not conceding to death, and I’m not trying to be morbid, but I have been really feeling badly lately. I need some sense of peace.

I’ve also felt like I’ve been unsupported medically. I’ve been in love with my neurologists since he came on board. For years I’ve felt like he saved my life. Over the past few months I’ve been having issues with the new seizure medicine that I was prescribed. It’s not working. I would call and days would go by with no return phone call. I’d never had this problem with him before. I’d been blaming his secretary who I believe is an idiot. It didn’t seem as though she was giving him my messages. He was contacted when I was hospitalized…I called again after I was discharged. He had his physician assistant call me to find out what I needed. He never called me back. That has felt like a big letdown. When I think of him I saw him as MY neurologist. For years I’ve looked at him like the man who saved my life when other doctors were baffled. Well it is what it is now. There’s a season for everything I suppose. On Friday I’ll be meeting with a neurologist. I’ll see if I’m comfortable with him and how much experience he has with patients with a similar history.

Hanging on

I wanted to share this with ya’ll.  I went to church yesterday but was there for maybe 30 mins before I felt really off and left to come back home.  My mother asked one of the  associate pastors to come by my house today to pray with me.   I go to a fairly large church so you don’t always have an opportunity to interact on a personal level.  When he arrived I shared what was going on.  He shared with me that he’s in the consulting business.  He’s been out of work for one year.  His wife is an attorney, and she was downsized in July.  Bills upon bills, mortgage to pay and they are both unemployed.  I had no idea, as most people wouldn’t I’m sure.  We talked.  I hope we were an encouragement to each other.  We are all in this thing together.  Everybody has something that they are going through.

He told me he once heard “when you feel like you’re at the end of your rope just tie a knot and hang on.”  Best thing I’ve heard in weeks.  Then we prayed.

It Doesn’t End There

Monday morning Reggie called at 6:05 to see if the girls were awake.  He picks them up and takes them to school.  I mentioned before that T is uber slow.  She gets up really early because she’s sloooooooow.  Needless to say more often that not she sleeps through the alarm or snoozes.  After his call I jumped up, woke them and proceeded to get toothbrushes ready,  and cereal prepared. 

I felt a bit off…I figured that I jumped up too soon.  You know that feeling when you’re reaaaaallly tired and you get up too quick..your balance is off? After being up for a good 20 mins I left the livingroom and bumped into the wall.  Bird said “Mommy are you ok?”  I laughed it off like THIS is ridiculous.  They left I went back to bed at 6:40.  My alarm went off at 7:10.  I sat up and felt extremely off balance…while still sitting in bed mind you.  I called my mom.  While explaining to her what was going on I got upset and teared up.  I used the wrong word while talking to her…something that I should not have confused.  She told me to calm down and she’d call me back in 20 mins.  I got pretty upset because it seemed as though I would not be able to make it to my LSAT class.  That was unacceptable.  We hung up.  I tried to relax a bit.   Soon after my anxiety got the best of me and I got up.  *wooooooooo*  Balance OFF.  Fastening my bra was a task.  My hand coordination was bad.  Same thing when I tried to buckle my belt.  Next my vision became  blurred and overlapped.  My condition was getting worse. 

My mom called me back.  She told me she’d come to get me after she got off work.  That was in another 30 mins. 

I laid back down on the bed.  I could feel my fingers start to go numb.  I tried to exercise them, but it continued.  I called my girlfriend Yvette.  She could hear how upset I was as soon as she answered the phone.  She told me she was coming over.  I cried out to God for his protection.  I pleaded that he would keep me around my girls.  That he would keep in full function. I prayed over and over.  By the time she got there my left arm was totally stiff and my hand had balled into a fist that I couldn’t open.  My right hand was crazy looking as well.  I was extremely upset by that point.  My balance was still off.  Yvette tried to comfort me.  I kept thinking that this would be devastating to my academic plan.  She drove me to the hospital where my mom and R met us shortly after.  I’ll say this hospital sucked and leave it at that.  Not long after my lips were numb and tight…I couldn’t speak.

I was examined.  I couldn’t move my arms OR my legs now.  What is going on??  I could move my head fine…I could open my eyes as well, but I mostly kept them closed because it was so difficult to see.  A nurse came into draw my blood.  Her interpretation of drawning blood met jamming the needle up into my arm pushing over and OVER.  My scream came as muffles through this mouth that wouldn’t open.  I couldn’t move my arm to knocked the HE!! outta her because thats surely what my reflexes would have done.  She came back later to put in an IV.  My mom put the smash on that. 

Thankfully little by little I started recovering.  They ran tests and everything came back normal.  I felt that the doctors were very non-chalant in their approach with me.  I let them know on a couple of occasions.  It was like “oh, you’re doing better…go home.”  That was the sense I got.  I was released on Wednesday feeling really angry.  I was angry that there were no answers.  I have no insurance so I can’t see my regular neurologist.  I need state provided insurance.  I was scheduled to be seen at the Neurology clinic.  IN JUNE!!!

Yesterday I had a quiet moment and God asked me why I’m upset when they couldn’t find anything wrong.  He said I asked for healing and He DID IT.  What is there to be upset about?  I see it all different now.  When people are healed from cancer, they don’t question why the cancerous cells are gone. Geesh…I’m happy that He is so patient with me.

IT DOESN’T END THERE.

R was trying to find a way that I could see a good neurologist, and before June.  In one of his rages early on in the divorce he called and had me removed from his health plan.  He wanted to see if he could add me back on.  We talked about it, but I knew that you couldn’t add someone if it isn’t the open enrollment period.  He said he’d give it a try anyway, and let them know that I lost my job so I lost my insurance as well.  The rep looked up the information and told him that I was still on the insurance.  I’M STILLL ON THE INSURANCE!!!  He can’t fathom how that is possible.  He called to have me taken off.  While God sees the beginning from the end and he has the final say.  I’m not angry anymore.  I can see this whole situation as a lesson that He’s got this.

I missed two LSAT courses this week.  That had me bummed. I took my 2nd diagnostic test on Sunday.  I scored 6 points lower than my very first test…having never taken a course ever.  How does that happen?  That added to my anxiety on Monday.  How do I feel today?  I’m gonna have a HUGE testimony when this is alll said and done.

I’m humbled to tears.

*Special thanks to you for reaching out to me offline – you know who you are*

Order my steps

This semester has been a beast.  I’m taking the LSAT in June.  With work, school, and LSAT prep something has got to give.  I’ve requested an 11 week leave of absence.  They offer 20 day leaves and it’s a toss up if even those are approved.

Knowing this I requested the 11 week leave anyway.  I’m stepping out on faith and leaving it in God’s hands.

Stay tuned.

Weekend turn-out randoms

I wore my hair in the updo and received several compliments.  That made me happy.

I did an EVOO deep condition yesterday.  I had it on for a few hours.  I’ll be bunning it for the rest of this week.

So, I had an opportunity to be really honest this weekend and I failed.  I was asked to do the welcome at church.  She asked if me and the girls could do it.  They flat out said no.  Then she said well you can do it by yourself.  I believe I did somehow say no..but the next thing I knew she was taking my number.  When she walked away my mother commented “there you go saying yes again“  Where was she to help me… I tried to wiggle out of it…really.  What am I going to do?  I don’t like public speaking..I get very nervous.  Maybe this is an opportunity to push myself once again out of my comfort zone.

My social science professor said that if we submit really good research papers she’d like to select a few to present at a conference.  The work would also be published.  My eyes lit and I got really excited at the opportunity and then queasy at the thought of needing to present alll at the same time.  Maybe giving the welcome will be practice? *sigh*

Why can’t Bird keep up with her things? I’m at my wits end with her.  She has 2 sweat shirts for gym.  She can’t find either one.

My girlfriend gave me her daughters bedroom set.  Dresser and full sized bed.  It’s white and in pretty good condition.  Well, before Mr. K kinda broke it up moving it to me. *eyes stretched*  I’m not sure when I’ll start on stripping the bed and the other dressers now.  I really don’t even have room for both, but one day I’ll have a house and who am I to get rid of furniture?

I may be faced with a challenging decision in the next few weeks.  It has me realizing how weak my faith is.  My blessings…the grace extended me, large and small is not of my own doing.  I have to remember that.  I also have to remember a path that isn’t cleared by Him is a path that I should not desire to travel anyway.  It’s the unknown that’s KILLLING ME.

I watched Denzel’s movie…I didn’t like it.  In fact I didn’t even bother to watch the rest.  The Blind Side was a grrreat movie tho.  We loved it.

I had a Boca burger yesterday…the grilled kind.  It was delish…mayo and ketchup…caramelized onions…mmmmm  I picked it up in Tarzhay.

What is at the top of your mountain?

Part of the reason why I share the details of what I go through in my daily life is because I want you guys to challenge me…to hold me accountable to those things that I say I’m going to do, or not going to do…be it in my personal relationships or my school/career aspirations.  So many of you inspire me for various reasons.  

The other reason I share so much is because I know one day it is going to be a joy to look back, once I’ve attained some of the things I aspire to.  Often times people don’t realize what others that have had to overcome to get where they are…they just see the blessing, but not the struggle. 

Stumbling blocks are a given especially when you are reaching towards the prize at the top.  I shared my experience the other week with needing to take this addt’l class.  It puts me at an 18 credit course load this semester.  As I mentioned, the fact that the Campus Director offered financial assistance made the pill a bit easier to swallow. 

Last week Thursday I was leaving school when the same woman who told me that I HAD to take this course stopped me.  Long story short in her very own style of tacky she told me that I needed to clear with financial aid so that I could take the course.  I countered with “No…Dr. Campus Director needs to take care of that”.  Ms. Waste of Oxygen said “No…that offered was rejected by the Dean“.  Was it her place to reveal that to me…she didn’t make the offer in the 1st place?  At that point I could have allowed my pressure to rise.  I shrugged and said “Ok, well that I guess that means I can’t take the course…that’s a no brainer” and I walked away.  She stood looking at me like I had 3 heads. 

What I have not shared is that I have an outstanding balance right now of $1,062.  My financial aid award should have covered all of my classes.  Something went awry, so this is what I’m left with.  My education is important so this will be dealt with, but it is another blow.          

Fast forward to last night.  I ran into Dr. Campus Director…I didn’t mention my discussion with Ms. Waste of Oxygen.  I asked about her original offer and it still stands, she even mentioned giving me books for next semester.  All should be in place by Wednesday.  It’s a good thing I recognize a waste of oxygen when I see one.  Why bother conversing with her when she has no final yes or no to offer.  Yup…stumbling blocks.           

I will be greasing her palm  showing my appreciation for her assistance.  I heard she loves breads.           

 What is at the top of your mountain?