Weekend turn-out Monday, Nov 2 2009

Saturday night I let T host a “Girls Night In”, and they had a great time.  They bobbed for apples…that was hilarious.  Rest easy knowing that each girl had her own bowl…just the thought…eeew.

It was so nice to have an extra hour of sleep…it would have been even better had I actually used it.  We were up early Sunday to go visit an old friend who lives in PA now.  It’s been a few years since I’ve seen or even really spoken with her.  We caught up and she fed us real good.  Then I remembered how annoying her husband is.  You know how some men will grab a plate and then head out to the man cave….well not him.  He’s like he’s vying for attention “ME ME ME” and he talks so loud.  So whenever she was speaking about something that he wanted to add to he’d just start talking crazy loud, then she’d go up like 100 decibels without skipping a beat! crazy.

She gave me some sofrito of her homemade sofrito…I can’t wait to add it to my dishes…yum.

They have joined this sales company and of course they gave me the pitch.  I thought it was very interesting.  After I do some research I’m going to poll you guys to get your feedback.

So me and that guy that I was getting to know…that’s dead and stinkin’.  We got into it a lil bit after he sent me a text asking if I’m interested in him.  First of all, what is a grown man doing send me a text to discuss something like that? Immediate turn-off.  I asked “what have you given me to be interested in? “Yes I want a christian man, but he needs to have a personality.  Everything that came out of his mouth was “praise the Lord” and while I’m not knocking that…what else do you have to offer??  I was just waiting for him to show me the nails in his hands and tell me he’s Jesus! He’s so heaven bound that he’s no earthly good.   I’m done.

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It’s about me Wednesday, Oct 14 2009

I was conversing with S23 the other day about the guy I’ve been getting to know.  I see the mention of a man didn’t get past you TM..lol.  He wants to settle down and get married.  He’s what I desire in a man in a lot of ways, BUT I don’t feel any chemistry.

She asked me if I prayed about it, and I have.  I’ve prayed about it a dozen ways.  As much as I want to be boo’d up and live in matrimonial bliss I don’t see this going anywhere.  When I first separated from R I was so afraid to be alone.  I did not want to live alone for the rest of my life.  It’s been 5 years and although I am single, I am not lonely. 

I don’t know when it’ll be God’s will to bless me with a mate, but I do know I’m not ready right now.  Why would I say that?  I’m praying for a specific mate.  Among other things, I want a priest for my home.  A man that is going to do everything to make sure his house is in order for heaven.  I realize that this is probably not a popular message.   With womens’ lib in full effect the very mention of being submissive is enough to warrant a side-eye. 

While I am not trying to walk 10 feet behind my man, I am also not preaching that I can do anything as good as you (a man) and better.  We are not the same, and we’re not designed to be.  My point is that I realized I better be careful what I ask for.  What I’m asking for is right…for me.  However, I also know that if he were to show up right now I would give resistance.  “I should stop doing what? You feel what? You prayed about what??”   It’s about me. I’ve got to work on being the kind of woman that the man I’m praying for deserves.

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Seattle Thursday, Jun 11 2009

The weather in NY has been so dreary, chilly and rainy.  I half way want to throw a fit!  I’ve never been to Seattle, but I imagine this is how that weather is.  I can’t imagine how Seatle folk deal….I can’t.  So yesterday was a piss pot day for me.  I had to work really hard to encourage myself.  There are times when my singleness seems to overwhelm me.  There are triggers.

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Let it Go Wednesday, May 13 2009

I love Pan.dora.  I found it very interesting that the first song that played for me this morning was this

I’m so much better this morning.  I spoke to my mom about it last night and she offered me some good sound advice.  It’s easy to get caught up when you’re hurt.  I felt like R did all the dirt, but I’d dealt with him.  I’d never “dealt” with her.  It’s all irrelevant now.  Who knows whats going on in her life now  or what was going on then.  It doesn’t make it right, but obviously she wasn’t a happy woman if she needed mine.  I have progressed, but I’m going to have to work on my forgiveness. 

Today is a good day Ladies and Gent.

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Unh huh…sure Friday, Feb 13 2009

My literature class read a short story called “The Birthmark  “.  My instructor posed some questions for discussion, and there was a good amount of feedback going on.  Towards the end of the discussion he pointed out that the character Georgiana had esteems issues and that if a woman nowadays had a mole or some other “imperfection” instead of the woman accepting the man’s critiques he would be shown the door.  I’m in a class with over 40 students, predominantly female and they ALL nodded their head in the sure u right girlfriend way.  I sat back and couldn’t believe it…then I said ya’ll are funny.  Women may not risk their lives to have a birthmark removed, but there are tons of women who get butt and breast implants because their guy isn’t 100% satisifed.   I like your hair long…grow it out…I like your hair short…cut it.  I mean sure…it sounds good to say “wouldn’t be me”.  Perhaps most of the women would be like NEXT, but there are so many women who wouldn’t.  It just kills me how people are so quick to give the “right” answer.

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Revelations Friday, Jan 30 2009

I’ve been experiencing a few revelations over the past couple of weeks.  I’ll share a few.  Last week I received a phone call from my Godfather.  We lost touch and I’ve not spoken to him in 9 years.  He knew someone who knew someone who knew someone and he was able to get a message to my mom who called him.  We were on the phone for an hour catching up.  So I asked him if he was re-married or dating..he replied no and said that he should be.  He asked me the same and I shared a bit with him about da Principal.  In our conversation he said that I should be asking da Principal some more questions.  His words weighed on me, and I felt like I don’t really want to ask questions.  I’m going to let go.

Then I had the experience last week regarding my instructor and the blessing that I received by way of textbooks.  I reflected on all the circumstances that I’ve been through and I just became overwhelmed at how God has his hand on me.  Who am I that he should be so mindful of me?  To think that he’s concerned with Kelly and the things that Kelly is concerned with brought me to tears again.  I want to live my life in a way that honors that.

Most who know me know that I’m divorced and would like to re-marry.  Last week while in the shower, the Holy Spirit asked me if I had to choose between a great academic journey and a great relationship what would I choose.  Without hesistation my response was a great academic journey.  I’ve deferred my aspirations before in the name of “love”.  I won’t make that sacrifice again.

I picked up a book from Barnes n Noble called Choosing God’s Best, Wisdom for Lifelong Romance.  I got thru 2 chapters and my outlook on dating is completely different.  I’ve always liked the idea of courting moreso than dating, but I don’t think I fully understood courtship.  This book goes on to explain how painful dating can be because with every dating relationship there’s a break up that begats heart break for one or both parties minus 1 (if you marry the individual).  I’m signing up this new thang.  I’ll consider it an experiment of sorts.  I have nothing to lose. 

I’m going to become more involved at my church.  This book also promotes that.  I’ve wanted to be involved for a couple of years now, instead of just warming the pew.  Since its a big church and I really didn’t know whose who and vice versa I really didn’t know how.  Ironically enough one of the members asked my mom if I would be interested in one of two positions.  I texted back YES for both.  It’s not easy to explain but I have a sense that “things” are coming together–for my betterment and growth.

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It’s Wednesday pt II Wednesday, Dec 31 2008

I didn’t forget S23…if you missed It’s Wednesday 

I did as my mother instructed…I made my way home.  I opened the door and passed R sitting on the sofa…still in the dark.  I passed the shower and headed for my bedroom.  I never said a word.  I kept thinking “how can I possibly go to work tomorrow”.  I couldn’t even be sure if I’d make it through the night.  It was close to midnight, there was no way to reach Dr. Wright to get her to grant me an immediate maternity leave.  It was Tuesday night, and my last day of work was scheduled for Friday.  I took my clothes off, held my stomach and tried to pray…the words kept choking me so I let my tears express what I could not. 

That night felt like torture, my brain tormented me with visuals of what R was doing with someone else.  All night I tossed and turned trying to shake it out of my head.  I was still shocked that those words came out of my mouth.  Call it what you want, but I always felt like I was wayyy too fly for him to ever cheat on me.  He did.

When morning came R crept into the room and sat by my side.  For awhile he didn’t say anything…he just looked at me.  He reached for my hand and said how sorry he was.  A few minutes passed and then my mom called.  R answered the phone and I could hear her seething…she was talking to him real firm and each syllabul was deliberate.  His response was respectful, and then he passed me the phone.  I told her that I would have to go to work.

I played 20 questions to the 10th power with R.  I needed every detail.  He said it only happened once.  He tried using a lack of secks as a (weak) defense.  After putting the puzzle pieces together I realized that the evening he left to go “help a friend move” was the evening he went to be with her.  I remember begging him not to go so that he and I could get close. He went on and on about how he promised, he quickly kissed me and left.  I also remember him getting home around 10:30 and climbing into bed.

Despite that, I took his remorse as a sign that we could move forward and restore our marriage…and I loved him.

Three weeks later I had the brain hemorrhage.  My mother to this day blames him for it.  Stress is a mutha.

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It’s Wednesday… Wednesday, Nov 26 2008

..forget a weekend wrap-up.  It’s been a lil crazy back on the ranch.  Where do I begin?

I had a great time with da Principal on Saturday, we really enjoy each other’s company and have great conversation.  When we parted I started on my low low low…u know cuz I ain’t Kelly if a low don’t follow a high *sucks teef* All day Sunday I tried to concentrate on the research paper that I should have started earlier in the week.  Being the expert procrastinator that I am I had been working so hard I decided to take a time out and catch up on “Private Practice”.   In this ep, this guy was carrying on two independent lives, married two women, and they both were pregnant.  They both find out and are devastated.  One of the women goes into labor.  At the hospital she’s screaming in pain and crying in heartbreak.  She’s yelling “No! I can’t do this…he was supposed to be here!” At that moment my dam broke.  I was bawlin’, snottin’ and cryin’. 

It felt like yesterday.  I was 9 months pregnant.  After a very heated argument and reconciliation..R (my ex-husband) still looked so solemn.  It was 10 pm and we were sitting in the living room with the lights out…only the light from the lamp posts shone through the blinds.  Though the words came out of my own mouth I looked around to see who said that.  I asked “have you been with anyone?”  Dammit if I didn’t shock myself.  He lowered his head and said yes.  I thought a truck slammed into my chest.  I got up, slipped into my shoes, grabbed my phone and left. 

I didn’t know where I was going.  When I couldn’t walk anymore I.crawled.on.the.ground.crying…9 months pregnant…10 o’clock at night.  I managed to call my mom.  My thoughts were all over, I didn’t know what to do.  ”Do I make him leave now?  Should I let him be in the room with me?  I can’t go to work tomorrow! I can’t!”  Mommy: Get off the ground!!! go home RIGHT now! Go in your room and lay down! “But I don’t know what to do” Mommy: You don’t have to make any decisions right now.

That was the best thing ANYONE could have told me at that moment.

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For every high… Friday, Nov 14 2008

…there is a low.  It’s sickening.  I saw Da Principal for a minute this week…looking so yummy.  Our dialogue was on point as usual.  I’ve also been enjoying the attention of BT.  The texts..the emails, but whenever he’s a bit too slow in reaching out or responding I find myself going into withdrawal *argh* I need to flippin’ relax…I.KNOW.THIS.

Yesterday I sent a “hey” text to an ex, Marc.  Since we broke up in ‘06, he’s been a good friend.  During snow storms he calls me so that he can come and clean off my car.  He’s a really good guy.  A couple of times I’ve wondered if he has more of an interest than what he’s saying.  He would NEVER actually say it.  Even when we dated, instead of saying can I come by and see you, he’d call to ask if I’m hungry.  One day before I got to know him well I said no…I’m good.  We got off the phone and he was pissed.  He responded to my text by saying I’ve been on his mind and he planned on texting me.  We exchanged a couple of pleasantries before he asked what was on my mind..I said “just wonderin’ how you’re doin”  He responds “missing u”.  I was floored.  Marc is not nearly that open or direct.  He likes to travel the safe road of obscurity.

Then, last night I got a call from Jay, a guy I was getting to know earlier this year.  Cool guy…we had a good time the few times that we got together.  I let it go to voicemail…he was just calling to say hey. 

Mr. K is always in the wings.  He called, and he thinks we need to re-kindle what we had.  I told him I don’t want what we had.  

What is going on?  Is it raining men?  There’s a high…the attention…the anticipation…the excitement, but now I’m on a low…feeling lonely and empty.  I could be in this exact predicament a year from now.  I got married when I was 20.  I was ready.  I was never the type that needed to run around and have “fun”.  I enjoyed “marriage”.  I liked the consistency…the stability…the familiarity.  I want to be in love and have it reciprocated.  I want to not worry about whether I’m being played or lied to.

I’m gonna pull myself out of this rut by today’s end…hopefully.

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Weekend wrap-up Wednesday, Oct 8 2008

Where do I begin? T is asthmatic.  She didn’t feel well on Friday evening.  She complained her ears were hurting, and I could hear her wheezing. I gave her a treatment and took her to the doctor on Saturday.  The doctor on call saw her, and sent me home with orders to give her a treatment every 2-4 hrs.  There were a few kids in there for asthma, T took home the award for worst case.  I brought her back on Monday to see her Dr. Stevens for a follow-up.  “Her lungs are horrible” his words.  He gave me a new machine and doubled her dosage.  Since then, I’ve been giving her treatments every 3 hours…round the clock….I’ve also had to return to his office each day so that he can evaluate her.  He’s stopping short of having her admitted.  I almost want to let him.  I’m.exhausted.

Some good news?  I’ve spent some time with the Principal and this dude is unlike any man I’ve ever met.  He’s ridiculously driven, he’s incredibly intelligent, his personality is out of this world and he shoots from the hip.  He transitions from ph.d candidate to ruff neck seamlessly…its crazy.  Sometimes I need a chairman of the board and sometimes I need a thug…he plays both positions very well.  I’m smilin’!  Now if I could just learn how to enjoy the ride.

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