My 1st love

Some weeks ago I shared my love at first sight story.  Periodically, prior to that…I would spend time with God, and pray for my future.  It included that unknown special someone.  I would get really detailed in my prayer.  I would pray for his family, career, difficulties, health, etc…but I was VERY sporadic with it.  I thought I’d give God a hand.  You know…help those who help themselves….UNTIL, my love at first sight experience.  I shut it down.  No websites, no special hook up cards, no going to chill at a spot where a cutie might walk by and I catch his eye.  I’ve never been more certain in hearing the Lord tell me to knock it off, relax and go sat down somewhere.  Since then, my prayer life in this area has been refueled.

I have a friend who I bounce things off of occasionally.  He’s one of a small few who I can chat with on things that are spiritually discerned.  Today was his birthday, yet I got off the phone with him feeling like I’d received the gift.  He said “Kelly, I want you to check this poetry video out.  It reminds me of you”  This has totally filled me up.  I could never have come up with the words to articulate them the way she has…just beautiful

Da Principal reached out to me recently with some serious…almost kinda talk.  He went as far as to say, that while I may have cared for him, HE was in love with me o_O

Here I am refueled…again.  If I am meant to remain single, then so be it.  He is my first love, the very definition of love.

AND I dig her hair.

Weekend Turnout: Love at First Sight edition

Do you believe in love at first sight?  I hadn’t.  In fact, whenever I’ve heard it, my internal reaction has been “what is that supposed to mean.”  I’ve been in a funk lately about my love life, or drastic lack thereof.  I don’t meet potential bachelors in my age group.  The only men that I seem to attract receive pensions.

I went to church this past Sabbath, and I met a man.  Love at first sight.

On Thursday, this guy on the radio gave V-day advice to men and women on how to NOT screw up.  He also told women if they didn’t have a V-day date they should still go out.  There will be people who will be out socializing.  A huge light bulb went off in my head.  ”I’M GOING OUT!”  A tape played in my head of my gf saying that I never go out.  I scoped out the perfect place.  Shopped my closet for what I could wear, and made plans with a wing gal.

Saturday that all changed.  The long story on how this all played out is comical.  I’ll keep it as short as possible.  He came as a speaker for our youth day program.  I introduced myself to him.  I’m not even sure if he understood what I was saying.  When I replayed the scene in my head I think I sounded like one of those old school tape players on fast forward…lol  I did find out that he is single, but I’m sure purposely because he is immersed in his work.  He’s an EXCELLENT speaker.  I googled him, and found that he is a well sought speaker, although that isn’t his career.  I’m totally smitten.

Later on we got a chance to speak again.  I managed to get out that I would like to keep in touch.  He gave me his email address.  Despite me initiating, I haven’t lost sight that I am the PRIZE.  I will not chase; just open the door for contact.  A few people who saw me speak to him called me over.  I played it cool…ya know, no big deal.  They asked what I was speaking to him about.  I just said I thanked him for coming, and that I appreciated him sharing his story.  I was shocked to hear them say “the funniest thing just happened, Kimmie and I looked at you, and then looked at each other and said at the same time, “They look good together!”  That would have been a good time to fall out.

For a few years now, off and on, I’ve been praying for my future husband.  I’ve prayed for his spiritual walk, his family, and his career.  I’ve prayed that whatever he’s going through that he would remain strong.  Besides physical attraction, this is what I’m attracted to; a man that I admire.  I need to admire him, spiritually, professionally, and personally.  I need to admire his relationship with God.  I want him to inspire me.  As I’m strengthening my walk with God, I can’t have a man that is going to bring me down.  I will offer the same.

I work hard, and I’m building a career.  There’s nothing worse, based on my experiences, than a man who hates his job.  A man who hates his job, who can’t identify his passion, is a miserable man.  I want to be my man’s biggest cheerleader. We’ll encourage each other.  I need a man who can identify with the fact that I have a passion.  My ex’s passion changed like he changed underwear.

I want a man who I can watch from across a room, and admire the way he treats the waiter or the chairman.  That is huge to me.  What is more important than character?  Based on that, the way he takes care of his family is a given.

*HUGE SIGH*  I feel like a school girl with grown woman expectations.  His hands look promising too

I realize that this man may think that I’m a total nut.  That’s not the point.  The point is that he is a man that is familiar with the voice of God.  If it’s meant to be he’ll know.  If it’s not, then I’ll know.  I’ve decided not to go.  This was a reminder of what I’m looking for.  I don’t want empty dating experiences.  This drought began to take a toll on me.  It occurred to me, I could really mess up what is meant for me if I did date aimlessly.  I feel refreshed.  I woke up on Sunday morning with Matthew 6:33 on my mind.  ”But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto [me] you.”

He is on the west coast.  Ideally, I’d just like to establish a good friendship.  I have my own thing going on.  I’m under development.  I want to bring the same things that I expect to the table.  I’m working on it!  In the meantime, I have my closet friends praying with me.  I’m naming it and claiming it in Jesus name!  Let the church say AMEN.

He’s the most humble man I’ve met.

Weekend turn-out

Saturday night I let T host a “Girls Night In”, and they had a great time.  They bobbed for apples…that was hilarious.  Rest easy knowing that each girl had her own bowl…just the thought…eeew.

It was so nice to have an extra hour of sleep…it would have been even better had I actually used it.  We were up early Sunday to go visit an old friend who lives in PA now.  It’s been a few years since I’ve seen or even really spoken with her.  We caught up and she fed us real good.  Then I remembered how annoying her husband is.  You know how some men will grab a plate and then head out to the man cave….well not him.  He’s like he’s vying for attention “ME ME ME” and he talks so loud.  So whenever she was speaking about something that he wanted to add to he’d just start talking crazy loud, then she’d go up like 100 decibels without skipping a beat! crazy.

She gave me some sofrito of her homemade sofrito…I can’t wait to add it to my dishes…yum.

They have joined this sales company and of course they gave me the pitch.  I thought it was very interesting.  After I do some research I’m going to poll you guys to get your feedback.

So me and that guy that I was getting to know…that’s dead and stinkin’.  We got into it a lil bit after he sent me a text asking if I’m interested in him.  First of all, what is a grown man doing send me a text to discuss something like that? Immediate turn-off.  I asked “what have you given me to be interested in? “Yes I want a christian man, but he needs to have a personality.  Everything that came out of his mouth was “praise the Lord” and while I’m not knocking that…what else do you have to offer??  I was just waiting for him to show me the nails in his hands and tell me he’s Jesus! He’s so heaven bound that he’s no earthly good.   I’m done.

It’s about me

I was conversing with S23 the other day about the guy I’ve been getting to know.  I see the mention of a man didn’t get past you TM..lol.  He wants to settle down and get married.  He’s what I desire in a man in a lot of ways, BUT I don’t feel any chemistry.

She asked me if I prayed about it, and I have.  I’ve prayed about it a dozen ways.  As much as I want to be boo’d up and live in matrimonial bliss I don’t see this going anywhere.  When I first separated from R I was so afraid to be alone.  I did not want to live alone for the rest of my life.  It’s been 5 years and although I am single, I am not lonely. 

I don’t know when it’ll be God’s will to bless me with a mate, but I do know I’m not ready right now.  Why would I say that?  I’m praying for a specific mate.  Among other things, I want a priest for my home.  A man that is going to do everything to make sure his house is in order for heaven.  I realize that this is probably not a popular message.   With womens’ lib in full effect the very mention of being submissive is enough to warrant a side-eye. 

While I am not trying to walk 10 feet behind my man, I am also not preaching that I can do anything as good as you (a man) and better.  We are not the same, and we’re not designed to be.  My point is that I realized I better be careful what I ask for.  What I’m asking for is right…for me.  However, I also know that if he were to show up right now I would give resistance.  “I should stop doing what? You feel what? You prayed about what??”   It’s about me. I’ve got to work on being the kind of woman that the man I’m praying for deserves.

Seattle

The weather in NY has been so dreary, chilly and rainy.  I half way want to throw a fit!  I’ve never been to Seattle, but I imagine this is how that weather is.  I can’t imagine how Seatle folk deal….I can’t.  So yesterday was a piss pot day for me.  I had to work really hard to encourage myself.  There are times when my singleness seems to overwhelm me.  There are triggers.

Let it Go

I love Pan.dora.  I found it very interesting that the first song that played for me this morning was this

I’m so much better this morning.  I spoke to my mom about it last night and she offered me some good sound advice.  It’s easy to get caught up when you’re hurt.  I felt like R did all the dirt, but I’d dealt with him.  I’d never “dealt” with her.  It’s all irrelevant now.  Who knows whats going on in her life now  or what was going on then.  It doesn’t make it right, but obviously she wasn’t a happy woman if she needed mine.  I have progressed, but I’m going to have to work on my forgiveness. 

Today is a good day Ladies and Gent.

Unh huh…sure

My literature class read a short story called “The Birthmark  “.  My instructor posed some questions for discussion, and there was a good amount of feedback going on.  Towards the end of the discussion he pointed out that the character Georgiana had esteems issues and that if a woman nowadays had a mole or some other “imperfection” instead of the woman accepting the man’s critiques he would be shown the door.  I’m in a class with over 40 students, predominantly female and they ALL nodded their head in the sure u right girlfriend way.  I sat back and couldn’t believe it…then I said ya’ll are funny.  Women may not risk their lives to have a birthmark removed, but there are tons of women who get butt and breast implants because their guy isn’t 100% satisifed.   I like your hair long…grow it out…I like your hair short…cut it.  I mean sure…it sounds good to say “wouldn’t be me”.  Perhaps most of the women would be like NEXT, but there are so many women who wouldn’t.  It just kills me how people are so quick to give the “right” answer.

Revelations

I’ve been experiencing a few revelations over the past couple of weeks.  I’ll share a few.  Last week I received a phone call from my Godfather.  We lost touch and I’ve not spoken to him in 9 years.  He knew someone who knew someone who knew someone and he was able to get a message to my mom who called him.  We were on the phone for an hour catching up.  So I asked him if he was re-married or dating..he replied no and said that he should be.  He asked me the same and I shared a bit with him about da Principal.  In our conversation he said that I should be asking da Principal some more questions.  His words weighed on me, and I felt like I don’t really want to ask questions.  I’m going to let go.

Then I had the experience last week regarding my instructor and the blessing that I received by way of textbooks.  I reflected on all the circumstances that I’ve been through and I just became overwhelmed at how God has his hand on me.  Who am I that he should be so mindful of me?  To think that he’s concerned with Kelly and the things that Kelly is concerned with brought me to tears again.  I want to live my life in a way that honors that.

Most who know me know that I’m divorced and would like to re-marry.  Last week while in the shower, the Holy Spirit asked me if I had to choose between a great academic journey and a great relationship what would I choose.  Without hesistation my response was a great academic journey.  I’ve deferred my aspirations before in the name of “love”.  I won’t make that sacrifice again.

I picked up a book from Barnes n Noble called Choosing God’s Best, Wisdom for Lifelong Romance.  I got thru 2 chapters and my outlook on dating is completely different.  I’ve always liked the idea of courting moreso than dating, but I don’t think I fully understood courtship.  This book goes on to explain how painful dating can be because with every dating relationship there’s a break up that begats heart break for one or both parties minus 1 (if you marry the individual).  I’m signing up this new thang.  I’ll consider it an experiment of sorts.  I have nothing to lose. 

I’m going to become more involved at my church.  This book also promotes that.  I’ve wanted to be involved for a couple of years now, instead of just warming the pew.  Since its a big church and I really didn’t know whose who and vice versa I really didn’t know how.  Ironically enough one of the members asked my mom if I would be interested in one of two positions.  I texted back YES for both.  It’s not easy to explain but I have a sense that “things” are coming together–for my betterment and growth.

It’s Wednesday pt II

I didn’t forget S23…if you missed It’s Wednesday 

I did as my mother instructed…I made my way home.  I opened the door and passed R sitting on the sofa…still in the dark.  I passed the shower and headed for my bedroom.  I never said a word.  I kept thinking “how can I possibly go to work tomorrow”.  I couldn’t even be sure if I’d make it through the night.  It was close to midnight, there was no way to reach Dr. Wright to get her to grant me an immediate maternity leave.  It was Tuesday night, and my last day of work was scheduled for Friday.  I took my clothes off, held my stomach and tried to pray…the words kept choking me so I let my tears express what I could not. 

That night felt like torture, my brain tormented me with visuals of what R was doing with someone else.  All night I tossed and turned trying to shake it out of my head.  I was still shocked that those words came out of my mouth.  Call it what you want, but I always felt like I was wayyy too fly for him to ever cheat on me.  He did.

When morning came R crept into the room and sat by my side.  For awhile he didn’t say anything…he just looked at me.  He reached for my hand and said how sorry he was.  A few minutes passed and then my mom called.  R answered the phone and I could hear her seething…she was talking to him real firm and each syllabul was deliberate.  His response was respectful, and then he passed me the phone.  I told her that I would have to go to work.

I played 20 questions to the 10th power with R.  I needed every detail.  He said it only happened once.  He tried using a lack of secks as a (weak) defense.  After putting the puzzle pieces together I realized that the evening he left to go “help a friend move” was the evening he went to be with her.  I remember begging him not to go so that he and I could get close. He went on and on about how he promised, he quickly kissed me and left.  I also remember him getting home around 10:30 and climbing into bed.

Despite that, I took his remorse as a sign that we could move forward and restore our marriage…and I loved him.

Three weeks later I had the brain hemorrhage.  My mother to this day blames him for it.  Stress is a mutha.

It’s Wednesday…

..forget a weekend wrap-up.  It’s been a lil crazy back on the ranch.  Where do I begin?

I had a great time with da Principal on Saturday, we really enjoy each other’s company and have great conversation.  When we parted I started on my low low low…u know cuz I ain’t Kelly if a low don’t follow a high *sucks teef* All day Sunday I tried to concentrate on the research paper that I should have started earlier in the week.  Being the expert procrastinator that I am I had been working so hard I decided to take a time out and catch up on “Private Practice”.   In this ep, this guy was carrying on two independent lives, married two women, and they both were pregnant.  They both find out and are devastated.  One of the women goes into labor.  At the hospital she’s screaming in pain and crying in heartbreak.  She’s yelling “No! I can’t do this…he was supposed to be here!” At that moment my dam broke.  I was bawlin’, snottin’ and cryin’. 

It felt like yesterday.  I was 9 months pregnant.  After a very heated argument and reconciliation..R (my ex-husband) still looked so solemn.  It was 10 pm and we were sitting in the living room with the lights out…only the light from the lamp posts shone through the blinds.  Though the words came out of my own mouth I looked around to see who said that.  I asked “have you been with anyone?”  Dammit if I didn’t shock myself.  He lowered his head and said yes.  I thought a truck slammed into my chest.  I got up, slipped into my shoes, grabbed my phone and left. 

I didn’t know where I was going.  When I couldn’t walk anymore I.crawled.on.the.ground.crying…9 months pregnant…10 o’clock at night.  I managed to call my mom.  My thoughts were all over, I didn’t know what to do.  ”Do I make him leave now?  Should I let him be in the room with me?  I can’t go to work tomorrow! I can’t!”  Mommy: Get off the ground!!! go home RIGHT now! Go in your room and lay down! “But I don’t know what to do” Mommy: You don’t have to make any decisions right now.

That was the best thing ANYONE could have told me at that moment.